Unable to hammer out a balanced budget agreement Wednesday's deadline, California is now a state without a budget, soon to be without cash as well. Unwilling or unable to make the necessary cuts, state lawmakers must find some other way to bridge their $24 billion shortfall.
Not to worry, though. A state known for its creative industries is sure to find an innovative and clever solution. In fact, state officials have already come up with a slew of ideas. With a deficit this large, though, even the best plan won't resolve the issue all on its own. It's going to take a whole
of bold new ideas. Here are just a few:
Make use of California's biggest and most visible asset. That's right, everybody. "Get to da choppa!" Citizens can pay $250 a pop to have Gov. Arnold leave his voice on their answering machine to impress their friends- though he cannot say his catchphrase "I'll be back" due to term limits.
Another great idea would be to find a way to turn unsold Pluto Nash DVDs into a kind of currency. I read somewhere that the state has warehouses of them. Collect a dumpster full of them and buy a loaf of day-old bread! The state could just box them up by the ton and ship them off to creditors in lieu of loan payments. Problem solved.
In light of Monday's surprising Supreme Court Decision in the New Haven Firefighters case, some have accused the court of reverse-reverse discrimination. The city had decided to throw out the exam because they feared litigation over the apparently racially divided results. By upending a lower court decision and ruling against the city, the High Court has essentially forced New Haven to not not promoting these men because they are not black. So, you could argue that these men were promoted because they are white.
Well, one of them is Hispanic, but you get the idea. The facts aren't as important as the initial impact, the undeniable edginess of the statement. If I play my cards right I'll get called up to the talk show big leagues.
The test is still under seal, but our crack team of researchers has obtained a copy. So now you, too, can test your mettle against the famed New Haven firefighters promotional exam.
In court on Monday afternoon, a judge sentenced Robert Madoff to 150 years in prison for his role in a far-reaching Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors of billions of dollars. However, just when it looked like his victims would see some modicum of justice in this case, it now appears that Madoff won't see a single day behind bars. Through a complex series of contracts and asset transfers, Madoff fooled a Manhattan couple into doing his entire sentence for him in exchange for worthless stock in his company.
"I'm not even sure what happened," said Gil LaBelle from his holding cell on Riker's Island. "It was just a little real estate deal, he said. Greta and I signed some papers and then, bam, uniformed officers showed up and put us in a squad car. I guess what they say is true. That Bob Madoff is really good."
Even as we reel from the terrible events of June 25th, we must pause to take stock and attempt to learn whatever we can. Sadly, it often takes a tragedy like this to open our eyes to what we as a nation must do. After the demise of the manufacturing sector and the exporting of white collar jobs, celebrities are now just about the only export product we have left. If America is to survive economically, we have to find a way to prevent further tragedies like this.
People say that such concerns are frivolous. They say that celebrities are human beings, just as frail and mortal as the rest of us. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Could anyone look at Michael Jackson and say with any level of certainty whether he was even a mammal, let alone a human being?
Known as a real man in an age of real men, Joe Jackson died in Berlin this afternoon from complications related to lung disease. A lifelong smoker, Jackson refused to quit for health reasons- everything, it seems, gives you cancer.
In the late 70's Jackson had some success with novelty songs like "Be My Number Two" about a love-struck fecophiliac but is probably best known for founding the Steppin' Out tap dance troupe for adorable old ladies.
After years of recording and touring, though, the stress of the industry began causing health issues. In the summer of 1983, Jackson was hospitalized for three months with a mental illness known as "beat craziness." Up until his death, Jackson performed charity shows around Europe to help raise awareness of beat craziness and raise money to research a cure. In time, Jackson discovered a homeopathic remedy that seemed to alleviate his symptoms: nicotine. Jackson left his home in New York after the city-wide smoking ban to take up smoking full time.
Chuck Charleston Wants to Help You.