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Arnold's Reforms Defeated By Morphing Activists From the Future
>>Thursday July 02, 2009
Broke California Govt. To Pay Bills with Catchphrases, Unsold DVDs
Unable to hammer out a balanced budget agreement Wednesday's deadline, California is now a state without a budget, soon to be without cash as well. Unwilling or unable to make the necessary cuts, state lawmakers must find some other way to bridge their $24 billion shortfall.
Not to worry, though. A state known for its creative industries is sure to find an innovative and clever solution. In fact, state officials have already come up with a slew of ideas. With a deficit this large, though, even the best plan won't resolve the issue all on its own. It's going to take a whole
of bold new ideas. Here are just a few:
Make use of California's biggest and most visible asset. That's right, everybody. "Get to da choppa!" Citizens can pay $250 a pop to have Gov. Arnold leave his voice on their answering machine to impress their friends- though he cannot say his catchphrase "I'll be back" due to term limits.
Another great idea would be to find a way to turn unsold Pluto Nash DVDs into a kind of currency. I read somewhere that the state has warehouses of them. Collect a dumpster full of them and buy a loaf of day-old bread! The state could just box them up by the ton and ship them off to creditors in lieu of loan payments. Problem solved.
[**]
If the religious right is so upset about Carie Prejean losing her crown, give them a chance to pool their cash and buy it back for her. Technically, the crown doesn't belong to the state, but I'm sure The Donald would agree to go halfsies.
Reply to that email from the Nigerian Prince.
Maybe the ACLU is right. Maybe there really are just way too many people behind bars in states like California. According to two minutes of research I just did, it costs the state more than $3 million every single day just to feed and house them. So why not let a few hundred thousand go free (no need for legal formalities, just leave the doors open and wink) and save yourselves a bundle?! Certainly, some of them are probably violent and would present a serious threat to the community, but it's also possible that most of them aren't. Finding out which ones are the real baddies would probably cost too much and take too long, so just issue them all a permanent furlough and cross your fingers, California.
Sell San Diego back to Mexico. See if anybody notices.
Find a way to imprint corporate logos on LA's infamous smog. Why spend money you don't have fighting the air quality battle when you can cut yourself some slack and generate some much-needed revenue in the process? Millions of tourists visit the region every year to partake of its uniquely chewy air, so put those egg-heads in your university system to work on something really useful!
Sell naming rights for the State Capitol building. Every time a reporter files a story on state government, they will be legally required to sign off with "coming to you live from the Carl's Jr. Statehouse..." Economists estimate that the budget crisis will continue making news for at least the next six months or so, generating untold numbers of live reports from Sacramento, a wonderful advertising opportunity for California companies and a sweet untapped revenue stream for the state.
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Unable to hammer out a balanced budget agreement Wednesday's deadline, California is now a state without a budget, soon to be without cash as well. Unwilling or unable to make the necessary cuts, state lawmakers must find some other way to bridge their $24 billion shortfall.
Not to worry, though. A state known for its creative industries is sure to find an innovative and clever solution. In fact, state officials have already come up with a slew of ideas. With a deficit this large, though, even the best plan won't resolve the issue all on its own. It's going to take a whole
of bold new ideas. Here are just a few:
Make use of California's biggest and most visible asset. That's right, everybody. "Get to da choppa!" Citizens can pay $250 a pop to have Gov. Arnold leave his voice on their answering machine to impress their friends- though he cannot say his catchphrase "I'll be back" due to term limits.
Another great idea would be to find a way to turn unsold Pluto Nash DVDs into a kind of currency. I read somewhere that the state has warehouses of them. Collect a dumpster full of them and buy a loaf of day-old bread! The state could just box them up by the ton and ship them off to creditors in lieu of loan payments. Problem solved.
[**]
If the religious right is so upset about Carie Prejean losing her crown, give them a chance to pool their cash and buy it back for her. Technically, the crown doesn't belong to the state, but I'm sure The Donald would agree to go halfsies.
Reply to that email from the Nigerian Prince.
Maybe the ACLU is right. Maybe there really are just way too many people behind bars in states like California. According to two minutes of research I just did, it costs the state more than $3 million every single day just to feed and house them. So why not let a few hundred thousand go free (no need for legal formalities, just leave the doors open and wink) and save yourselves a bundle?! Certainly, some of them are probably violent and would present a serious threat to the community, but it's also possible that most of them aren't. Finding out which ones are the real baddies would probably cost too much and take too long, so just issue them all a permanent furlough and cross your fingers, California.
Sell San Diego back to Mexico. See if anybody notices.
Find a way to imprint corporate logos on LA's infamous smog. Why spend money you don't have fighting the air quality battle when you can cut yourself some slack and generate some much-needed revenue in the process? Millions of tourists visit the region every year to partake of its uniquely chewy air, so put those egg-heads in your university system to work on something really useful!
Sell naming rights for the State Capitol building. Every time a reporter files a story on state government, they will be legally required to sign off with "coming to you live from the Carl's Jr. Statehouse..." Economists estimate that the budget crisis will continue making news for at least the next six months or so, generating untold numbers of live reports from Sacramento, a wonderful advertising opportunity for California companies and a sweet untapped revenue stream for the state.
