WASHINGTON, D.C.- In an effort to counter Democratic criticism that the President has ignored domestic issues in favor of military concerns, George W. Bush took to the campaign trail this week, touting his record on the economy. In stump speeches throughout the Midwest and South, Bush pointed out that in spite of a decades-old import/export gap, American export numbers have shot up dramatically according to recent data- especially for exports like jobs, consumer dollars, and soldiers. Meanwhile, key foreign imports in 2004 remain as they have been for the past two years: laborers, debt, and human remains.

"I don't know anyone who doesn't say we're much better off today than we were during the bad old days of the late 90's," said Bush. "Stocks were too expensive. Unemployment was so low that companies had a hard time finding available workers. And most importantly, our armed forces were bored and restless. I think we can all agree that my administration has changed all of that."

Some in the media have criticized the President for his lack of intellectual curiosity regarding the issues of the day. Bush rebuffed the concerns, explaining that any combination of the words "curious" and "George" constituted a reference to the beloved children's book character and was probably meant to mock him- though he later admitted that if it was a joke, he did not quite get it.

During a speech in Louisiana, an audience member held up a sheet sign reading, "It's the stupid, stupid." Bush reportedly liked the jocular tone of the message so much that he decided to adopt it as his 2004 campaign slogan until aides strongly advised against it.

Carl Rove, Bush's chief political adviser and caretaker, reminded members of the press that in spite of his accomplishments the President is still just a regular guy. "George is a lot like that 'special' kid you knew in grade school, always happy, oddly strong, and often smelling like a nursing home," said Rove. "The important thing to remember is that no matter how much stuff he broke or how many people he accidentally hurt, he meant well. I think the same goes for my boss."

National security is an issue most pundits expect the President to hit hard in 2004. On his campaign site fourmorebeers.gov the President congratulates his administration on recent successes in the Middle East.

"Thanks to the sacrifices of hundreds of brave American soldiers, we're now safer than we've ever been," said Bush. "The fact that they never actually found the banned weapons in Iraq is good news because it means that we're even safer than we thought."

This week the administration backed away from earlier projections on job creation, just two days after a senior Treasury official extolled the virtues of job exportation. Critics of the President's plans were quick to jump on these developments, but Bush argues that they serve as further proof of his administration's commitment to the economic health of the nation.

"As far as the economy is concerned," said Bush, "we've worked to make it more efficient and more dense than it was before. Sure, there are fewer actual jobs, but those folks work lots harder than they did before. Vote for me, and another four years there will only be fifty jobs for legal residents, and the rest of us will be able to relax and enjoy ourselves. How will we accomplish this? Dirt-cheap child labor and robots."

Bush has denied reports that Democratic members of Congress are pushing to outsource the job of President overseas. Former Russian Boris Yeltsin has said that is currently available and would gladly do the job for a fraction of the $400,000 per year currently paid to Bush.

The Bush re-election campaign is still hammering out its agenda for the summer and fall of this year depending on who turns out to be the Democratic nominee. Either way, says Bush, war will be a key element in his next term.

"I'm a war President," said Bush in a rare hour-long interview on NBC last week. "After two of them in one administration, I've come to realize that I really like them. So, as long as I'm President, we're going to be at war with something. We've been at war with drugs for a while, but that's no fun and sort of embarrassing considering my past. I won't do anything like LBJ's war on Poverty because I think picking on defenseless poor people is pretty messed up."