PASADENA, CALIFORNIA- NASA officials promised a dramatic press conference for Tuesday, and by all accounts they did not disappoint. When all was said and done, it was an afternoon that mission chief Steven Squyres and lead scientist Dr. James GARVIN would never forget.

For more than 24 hours the agency built up anticipation, insisting that something "very significant" would be revealed at 2pm EST, and at first it seemed that the event was yet another bore-fest regarding further evidence that water had once existed on Mars. Fortunately, engineers had something more interesting up their metaphorical sleeves. We at Ridiculopathy-Dot-Com have obtained a transcript of the press conference and present it in its entirety:

[Dr. James GARVIN enters the room with a handful of other engineers and scientists and takes his place at the podium.]

GARVIN: As many of you know, we mentioned yesterday that we would have an announcement of "significant" findings today, and we do not intend to let anyone down. We think the public will be very interested in the newest development in the search for evidence that life may have once existed on Mars.

[GARVIN adjusts his suit coat, drinks from a glass of water]

GARVIN: You'll have to excuse me. This is very exciting for all of us here. [GARVIN adjusts his tie, grips the podium] So, without any further delay, here we are:

[GARVIN clicks the pointer to display the first slide: a panorama of the Red Planet in all its glory. After scanning the crowd to see that everyone had digested the image, he clicks again to overlay a complex graph on top.]

GARVIN: After several weeks of investigation, we have discovered further proof that liquid water once ran on the surface of-

[GARVIN adjusts his shirt, clearly uncomfortable.]

GARVIN: - on the surface of Mars.

[GARVIN gasps and clutches his midsection. His colleagues rush to his aid just as he collapses next to the podium. NASA administrator Sean O'Keefe attempts to calm the crowd of reporters.]

O'KEEFE: Everybody relax. Jim is going to be okay.

GARVIN: I'm fine. I just need some ai-

[GARVIN's chest bursts open, sheets of blood cover the walls. Entrails fly all over the briefing room like springs from a can of novelty peanuts. From the sucking cavity emerges a 15cm-long snake-like object with a bulbous cranial structure. Before officials can apprehend the thing, it skitters across the tile floor and into the facility's air handling system.]

SQUYRES: Game over, man! Game over!

[O'KEEFE smacks Squyres to calm him. It appears O'KEEFE has been injured.]

O'KEEFE: I'm okay. I'm okay. This has happened before.

[O'KEEFE wipes the milk-white blood from his forehead and ushers members of the press to a secure area.]

After paramedics had attended to the wounded and FBI agents with ridiculously large flashlights had been brought in to search for the alien, members of the media reassembled at a nearby hotel to continue the doomed press conference.

"So, maybe the Life-form Sample Return Rocket was a bad idea," admitted Squyres. "Who knew?"

The system, kept under wraps since the project's inception nearly ten years earlier, had less than a ten percent chance of returning a capsule successfully. Imagine their excitement a few weeks ago when engineers discovered that not only had the craft discovered what appeared to be an egg-shaped fossil Martian landscape, but it would be sending it back to earth as well.

With the Columbia tragedy of 2002 still on the minds of many Americans, Tuesday's incident caused many reporters to call into question the space agency's commitment to safety. However, those inside NASA say that the technical difficulties surrounding the press conference were the fault of decades of bare-bones budgets.

"Sure, looking back it would have been helpful to have someone on staff to remind us of the potential dangers of the plan when it came up for review," said Squyres. "Unfortunately, there just wasn't enough money left over for something like that."

According to some, the public's expectations of problem-free space exploitation and a non-incendiary shuttle fleet are out of line with current funding levels.

"If the White House doesn't want extraterrestrial parasites running around causing senior staff members to explode," said O'Keefe, "then he should have fully funded the agency back when we were developing the rover program."

As of press time the infant parasite had not been located, but officials say that this should not be cause for alarm. Later that day Squyres issued a memo instructing everyone to return to work on Wednesday as usual and not to pay any attention to the the strange egg-shaped objects in their cubicles.