MIAMI, FL- 2004, a touchdown for democracy. The year has already witnessed a primary season that by all accounts has produced the two most appealing candidates possible, now the American people are in for a further treat this evening as John Kerry and George W. Bush square off in what promises to be the most engaging and scintillating Presidential debate since the Coolidge/Davis fray of 1924.

Organizers say their get-tough approach to the debate rules will ensure a substantive discussion of the issues- or at least a series of canned speeches tenuously related to questions asked by veteran moderator Jim Lehrer. According to University of Miami representatives, setting the proper environment is vital to bestowing the debate the all-important veneer of validity. "We even dug up the same set used in 2000 for double-plus credibility," said debate organizer Laura DeLand. "On TV this puppy is going to look legit as hell."

There are, however, a handful of minor stipulations to which all parties have agreed, pretty standard stuff:

• For the convenience of both campaigns and in the interests of maximum democracy, the candidates performances will be recorded separately and patched together prior to broadcast.
• Words of more than two syllables are disallowed, punishable by a low-voltage electric shock.
• To appease the networks and their need for cutaways, candidates will be provided with gameshow buzzers to let broadcasters know when their faces can be shown.
• To keep the debate from getting mired hip-deep in wonkery, a small list of topics has been declared off limits for the debate: the economy, the war in Iraq, the war on Terror, the price of oil, and the price of tea in China.

In spite of these minor concessions, debate organizers have made it clear that when it comes to a balanced and lively debate of the issues, they don't mess around. "When asked a question, the candidates will have to actually open their mouths and talk for two minutes about something completely different," said DeLand. "There won't be any ducking the issues by staring silently at the camera for two minutes on my watch. We're fair, but tough."

But then, in the waning hours before the debate, came another teeny-weeny stipulation from the Bush camp: no math.

"I saw on a documentary how a question like that tripped up Ford in '76," said a visibly concerned Bush, "and I don't want to see that happen to me."

Aides say the President had spent the past few days doing flash cards with senior adviser Karl Rove, but they both felt a math-free debate format would make more sense for all involved.

After an obligatory period of hesitation, debate organizers agreed. "I said 'OK, but that's it, guys, seriously,'" DeLand recalled. "And you know what? I think they respected my assertiveness."

For the tens of dozens of viewers who will sit through the whole thing, the outcome of the debate could very well determine how they vote in November. However, given the amount of attention paid to swing voters this time around, some citizens are calling attention to America's slighted population, decided voters.

"I've heard enough from people who can't make up their minds and candidates shifting positions to appeal to the undecideds," said GOP booster Phylis Tein. "What about my needs? I want a debate to reinforce what I already believe. Who is going to tell me what I want to hear?"

For John Kerry, the debate could spell the beginning of a resurgence or the beginning of the end for his flagging campaign. For the President, however, expectations are quire different. "I just don't want to be made fun of on the Inter-web," said the President. "That thing terrifies me."

As if this weren't enough, Thursday's shopping-spree in the marketplace of ideas is only the beginning. After this interview portion is complete, the candidates will begin preparations for the talent and swimsuit competitions slated to take place later in October.