NEW YORK, NY- Researchers from the American Museum of Broadcasting, while digging through decaying archives in a forgotten sub-basement at CBS, have uncovered a lost masterpiece, an unaired Christmas special from 1958 hosted by none other than renowned novelist and philosopher Ayn Rand.

Rand's biographer and protege Nathaniel Branden recalls that the Christmas Shrugged project was Ayn's attempt at taking her objectivist ideals into the mainstream. However, the special did not work out as she had hoped, compromised by network executives and religious groups, so she planned to blow it up. Thankfully, she succeeded only in preventing its broadcast.

The special opens with a gala musical number featuring traditional tunes in appreciation of winter's harshness and evolutionary utility. Unfortunately, the transfer from the original kinetoscope blurred the subtitles of the Esperanto lyrics, making translation difficult.

Following this and a rippingly humorous sketch about the current state of international currency markets, Rand sat down under an undecorated indoor pine tree and read to a small group of children from her novelette Anthem, explaining that the socialist themes of holiday season erode the notion of ego and sense of self. With the assistance of a pair of hand puppets, Rand demonstrated how the seasonal messages of "Goodwill toward Man" and all that is not just meaningless bunk, they constitute an attack on capitalism and humanity in general.

Sally Miller, nine years old at the time, issued an unscripted complaint about the direction the show was taking up to that point:

Sally: But we wanted to hear about the birth of baby Jesus in the stable.

Rand: Who is this Jesus person of which you speak?

Sally: Jesus gave his life to save our souls.

Rand: That is an illogical statement. No one 'gives' anything in a naturally-ordered world. Even though we cannot say for sure what his ulterior motive was, it is a fact that he must have had one.

Sally[crying]: If that's true, we're all going to hell when we die.

Rand: Indeed, the hell of which you speak is the faith-encumbered existence your parents have thrust upon you.

According to notes taken by the show's producers, it was at this point that cue cards signaled Rand that the script called for her to begin the traditional gift exchange, a segment that she had fraught hard to remove. Rand read the note and shuddered in disgust.

Kathy: At the holidays, it's just about gifts. It's about giving them from your heart.

Rand: Gah! That word gives me hives.

Kathy: Which one, 'gifts?'

Rand: 'Giving.' It makes no sense at all, even though simple folk use it all the time.

Kathy: Kind of like the way people say 'literally' when they should say 'actually' or 'practically?'

By way of response, Rand passed out small giftwrapped boxes into which the children tore with great enthusiasm. However, their faces soured when they discovered that the boxes contained two pairs of white socks, one size fits all.

Rand: Okay, that'll be two dollars and fifty cents from each of you.

[Rand collects money from the children]

Bobby: But I don't have two dollars. I didn't know I would need that kind of money. Besides, that sounds kind of expensive for socks.

Rand: Well, you should have thought of that before you signed up to appear on my program.

A sudden knock directed attention to the stage left door. "Hey, kids," said Rand. "We have a special guest. I wonder who it is..."

To the delight of all involved, the door opened to reveal noted economist Milton Friedman.

As Friedman read from his thesis on the parasitic nature of government, children stared into the fireplace as it burned yule log that looked suspiciously like an effigy of Franklin D.Roosevelt.

The finale brought the studio audience to its feet with another chorus of songs about legalizing prostitution and the triumph of the ego, finally concluding with Rand's show-stopping signature song, "It's a rational thing."

While it once seemed that this gem would remain lost to the mists of time, hard core Rand fans have no reason to fear. The Rand estate plans to make the video available on DVD and Betamax as soon as possible for the bargain basement price of just six easy payments of $699.95.