BROWNSEA ISLAND, NJ- With the recent arrest of Boy Scouts of America programming director Douglas Smith on child porn related charges, parents are once again asking tough choices of their local Scout leaders. Unfortunately, the answers they're getting from Troop 212 Scoutmaster Brian Powell have been a bit difficult to believe. Not only has Powell so far refrained from molesting any of the Scouts in his charge, sources say he shows no interest in it whatsoever.

"I know it sounds crazy to some concerned parents," said Powell. "But all I want to do is take their sons camping, teach them some knots, and help them develop as principled young men. The notion of having any sort of intimate contact with them is the furthest thing from my mind. It's actually kinda gross when you stop and think about it."

After an exhaustive battery of tests, researchers say Powell came out clean, a result that no one seems to have expected. "Seriously, we exposed the guy to all sorts of sick stuff, material that isn't even legal in the Netherlands," read the final report, "and still the needles wouldn't budge. It was weird. I mean, he is a Scout Master, right?"

However, the test results have not been enough to reassure local residents who continue to insist on a public tarring and feathering of the 47-year-old Scouting veteran "just in case."

Investigators admit that perhaps they were not thorough enough in their interrogation and promise to try again later this week with the aid of specialized equipment surplussed from the Abu Ghraib detention facility in Iraq.

For parents still unsure about Powell's motives, nothing about the situation makes sense. "I sent my son off for two weeks of summer camp and he came back completely unmolested," said one disappointed mother. "In fact, he said he had a great time, learned to rely on himself, and made loads of friends- no grounds for civil litigation at all. I mean, the BSA is sitting on half a billion in cash and real estate. How else are we supposed to come up with all that money for college?"

The problem of recalcitrant Scout leaders unwilling to spill the beans on their predatory double lives is becoming a national problem. When asked if the organization planned to institute some sort of inquisitional program to root out Scouts still in denial, BSA Chief Scout Executive Roy L. Williams offered a careful, qualified answer that would have done Seton or Beard proud.

"That depends," said Williams. "Would that result in more grant money or less?"

BSA officials have complained for years about the unequal treatment their organization received in the national media. According to a recent inquiry, the Girl Scouts is filled with sexual activity, and yet authorities refuse to act against the group.

There has been one exception, however. Senator Ted Kennedy (D. Mass) promised to launch a formal investigation into the issue later this month but only if officials can provide high-quality video of the alleged infractions.

"And, erh, make sure you use a wide angle lens and decent lighting," said Kennedy. "I might need to watch this, erh, in five minute increments."

Powell has allegedly devoted dozen hours or more each week to keeping the troop organized and mentoring fresh recruits. It only seems natural to want to reward his devotion to these young men with a modest amount of jail time or at least a lengthy legal battle, but until Powell tells the truth everyone already knows none of that can happen.

Eventually, authorities say they'll manage to crack Powell's exterior and get him to confess the perversions. requisite for his position. Until then parents will continue to grant their beloved Scout leader the benefit of the doubt, i.e. the benefit of suspicion and the doubt of his innocence.