AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS- After the second crushing defeat in less than a week, the unratified European Constitution announced yesterday that it has decided to retract itself. In a press conference on Wednesday, the visibly shaken multinational charter held back tears as it explained that it would not serve as the Continental government's guiding document the even if they begged it to. So far, no one has.

"This is all your fault," said the six-foot-tall roll of parchment. "And by 'you' I mean every one of you ridiculous assclowns. I asked for input over and over again, and nobody seemed to care until it was too late. I should have known this would happen. This is what you get, I guess, when your fate rests in the hands of a throng of unwashed, chain-smoking, 25 hour-work-week rifle droppers."

Citing economic concerns, French and Dutch voters roundly rejected the document on Sunday and again on Wednesday. After the Constitution's angry remarks, however, voters have volunteered to return to the polls this weekend to vote against it all over again.

"The document is in a very dark and bitter place right now," said geopolitical expert Dr. Pierre Eeyehr. "So, I don't think we should get too offended about these vitriolic comments. Honestly, I think it's really just trying to avoid getting hurt any more than it already has. People just see something they don't like or don't understand and they vote 'no' without any consideration for the Constitution's feelings."

All the same, the jilted EUC has a point. Finicky Europeans can quibble all they like over legal details, but they cannot ignore the insistent ticking of the political clock. If the EU wants to grow and prosper, it's going to need to hunt up a better candidate in a hurry, a point underscored by yesterday's precipitous drop in the relative value of the Euro.

It certainly isn't a given that this loose affiliation of independent nations can even find another constitution in time. Face it, Europe may have been hot in its day, but it's certainly no Asia. Besides, it's not getting any younger.

Sensing that his public tirade had only made matters worse, the forlorn constitution later apologized.

"Seriously, I'm fine with how things turned out, and I really wish Europe all the best in the future," it said. "Although, I honestly feel sorry for the constitution they end up ratifying. Mark my words, they'll be amending the poor thing to death within a year."

The EUC wanted everyone to know that it is doing just fine and spent Wednesday mulling over job offers for from a handful of developing nations, though even after some prodding it would not offer any specifics.

It also took the opportunity to deny rumors that it has spent the week sitting around watching the finals Eurovision Song Contest in its underwear.

With all that it's been through in the past week, it would certainly be understandable to seek solace in the company of peers like the American Constitution. Unfortunately, the EUC's older cousin has been too busy hanging out with the Treaty of Versailles and the Dayton Accord to pay much attention.

"He probably thinks I've already been ratified," it told reporters. "Oh, God, I don't want to have to explain this one. The more I think about it I just want to burn myself."