WASHINGTON, D.C.- Although the Bush administration has had years to consider the question, most pundits thought it would take at least a month or so to select a suitable replacement for Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O'Connor. Even then the smart money would be on current Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. However, as he has done so many times before, the President zigged when the world expected a zag. He proved them all wrong, naming his choice in a brief ceremony in the Rose Garden this morning.

With the weight of decades of judicial precedence looming above the scene, all eyes focused on the colorfully dressed gentleman standing next to the Commander in Chief. The unvetted nominee was none other than Angelo Poffo, better known to Constitutional scholars and sports-entertainment fans as Randy "Macho Man" Savage.

"I knew replacing a well-respected centrist justice like Mrs. O'Connor wouldn't be easy," said Bush biting into a stick of dried meat. "With all the acrimony building up around this process, I thought long and hard about what to do and whom to choose. We need someone the American people can agree on, someone wise enough to bring the differing sides together but strong enough to fight for what's right. Savage is our guy. Besides, our pollsters tell me that Randy is a slam dunk. And with approval ratings like mine, I need a slam dunk right now."

When it comes to the big ticket litmus tests, Savage appeared to pass with flying colors. Activists from both the left and the right have so far approved of the brash outsider's take on the important issues of the day. On reproductive rights, he told curious reporters that "you gotta treat the ladies niiiiiiiice!" The pro-life camp was similarly pleased with his response to their concerns: "You gotta protect those babies, culture of life and all that- OOOOH YEAH!"

There have been some on Capitol Hill, a very small minority that have asked to remain anonymous, who have questioned the former entertainer's fitness for the office. Bush, however, is having none of it. With focus group numbers this strong, he remains confident that the votes will be there with or without the so-called nuclear option.

"Let me just say that if I didn't think Randy was qualified, I wouldn't have nominated him," scoffed Bush, laughing pedantically. "Come on, people, that's just silly. Go read the transcripts and pour over his writings. If you'd seen his work on the People vs. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, you'd be as convinced as I am that Savage is right person for the job."

Most people are unaware of Savage's formidable credentials. Poor legal representation during his nasty 1992 divorce from The Lovely Miss Elizabeth inspired Savage to enroll in Columbia where he distinguished himself in the area of Constitutional law.

The President and his staff were particularly impressed with Savage's cogent and thoroughly researched brief filed on behalf of besieged homeowners during the recent eminent domain case before the high court:

"The municipality's case is built upon the same sandy soil as Kelo v. New London. Are we to assume that the precedents in this case justify the endless repetition of the same Poletown error, to uphold a lower court's definition of 'public good' that is neither public nor good? Ooooh yeeeeah!"

Unhappy with what appears to be a cakewalk to confirmation, Democrats have vowed to find a way to rain on the President's parade, if only a bit.

In a joint statement, Democratic leaders complained that Savage's strict interpretation of the nation's guiding document is out of step with the public and offered instead that reality TV star Hulk Hogan would make a far better nominee. Many legal scholars still remember Hogan's stirring and highly enlightening treatise on the definition of true citizenship, being a "real American."

For his part Savage did not take the idle jab lying down, especially when it came to comparisons with his long time nemesis. He pointed to a recent Harvard law debate at which Hogan refused to appear.

"You ran from me in Cambridge!" said Savage directly into the CNN camera, grabbing the reporter's microphone. "You ran like a little girl. Well, there's nowhere to hide now, Hogan. Next time I see you I'm gonna lay some prior restraint on ya, and a flying buttress! Ooooh yeeeeahh!"