CRAWFORD, TEXAS- For decades the United States has been lagging behind other countries when it comes to education, particularly in the sciences. Mainly this has been blamed on a lack of funding and national attention, but some pedagogical experts like President George W. Bush feel that other factors might be at work. For example, the President says that biology textbooks are horribly out of date, based on the 19th century writings of a man who wasn't even an American citizen.

If the US is to remain competitive in the world market, its young people are going to need an updated understanding of the world around them. To this end, the President today proposed a federal funding mechanism to encourage local schools to replace the antiquated notions of evolution and cosmology with the a origination theory making waves in Internet-based think tanks all over Middle America: Intelligent Design.

Like Whole Language and New Math, this New Biology takes a bold new approach to a tricky academic subject, getting students to think about the origins of the universe and the human species in a simple and safe way without all that bothersome scientific and philosophical inquiry.

ID is so simple that even a child could understand it. In fact, scientists assert that it takes a childlike mentality to fully grasp the ideas of Intelligent Design, which is why the President believes it is so vital to expose students to it as soon as possible.

"They showed me a picture of a giraffe and how if Darwin were right it's head would explode," said Bush as he removed his glasses for added effect. "Now, maybe I'm just ignorant about these things, but I'm not aware of a problem with exploding giraffe heads. Are you?"

So far, the idea appears to be quite popular. Initial polling indicates that parents are thrilled to hear that their children might soon be learning a cohesive story of human origins rather than some tall tale about slow biological change.

"Finally the government has come it its senses," said concerned father Bill J. Bryan. "I mean, it has the word 'intelligent' in the name, after all. What would you have them learn instead? Something less than intelligent?"

Intelligent Design is already being taught in some schools in America's ahead-of-the-curve Southern states. Given potential concerns about the religious implications of the course, though, it has always been presented as an alternative to traditional biology rather than a requirement.

"We offer kids a choice," said 9th grade science teacher Faye Lyew of Sweet Sugar, Mississippi. "I ask: do you want to spend half the year studying phylums, genuses, and species or would you rather just say 'God did it' and watch movies for the rest of the semester? To my surprise, they usually choose Intelligent Design. I think that says a lot about the theory's scientific validity."

If Congress is amenable, the President's New Biology initiative will roll out early next year as part of the second portion of the No Middle Class Child Left Behind program, an effort to improve America's school systems by removing the "root of all evil" that has corrupted them for so long and paring down educational services to a bare minimum.

"See, another big problem in America's school systems is that we teach too broad a curriculum," said Bush, referring to the wide variety of art and music courses offered in many high schools. "We need to get back to the basics, the three R's: readin', writin', and repentin'."

Even if Congress falters, the President has instructed his Secretary of Education to include questions on Intelligent Design on standardized graduation exams beginning in 2007, ensuring that classrooms all over America will be teaching to this faith-based test for years to come.