REDMOND, WA- These days Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer is a man under a microscope. During his tenure the company has repeatedly failed to gain footholds into crucial emerging markets, leading to a slump in growth and something entire new: brain drain. The energy of this 90's era powerhouse has all but gone, and now top talent are leaving the once-mighty software company for younger, more exciting firms.

It seems that all this may have proven too much for the beleaguered cyber-baron. Upon hearing that Microsoft executive Kai-Fu Lee had left the company to work the up-and-coming monopolists at Google, Ballmer reportedly flew into a rage, throwing a chair across the room and vowing to "kill Google."

"I tried to tell him many times that it just wasn't working out, but Steve wouldn't listen," said Lee. "When it finally sank in that I was gone people tell me he got really dark and weird- even for Steve. I hope he's OK."

When police arrived a short time later on a domestic disturbance tip, Ballmer vigorously denied making any threats, but in a transcript of the tirade that had already leaked onto the Internet the CEO openly said that he would "bury" Google's Eric Schmidt, hinting that he had done that sort of thing several times previously.

In response, local officials dispatched search teams to the hills outside Seattle to look for remains of former Microsoft employees but have so far turned up only the usual array of charred perma-temps. One thing is now clear, however: if Lee or Schmidt ever turn up missing or, God forbid, dead, Ballmer is going to have a lot of tough questions to answer.

"To be perfectly frank, it saddens me to see him like this," said Lee. "I wish him the best, I really do, but I've got to move on and hopefully he will, too, very soon. I'm doing this for him as much for as myself."

Unfortunately, the heartsick CEO shows no sign of moving on or adhering to the strict restraining order issued earlier this week. According to eyewitnesses, Ballmer showed up at Google's headquarters on Monday afternoon with a bundle of wilted flowers in one hand and an open bottle of an unidentified intoxicant in the other.

For the poor intern who discovered the Microsoft exec peering through windows and shouting up at the third floor offices for Lee, it must have been both thrilling and stultifyingly creepy. Thankfully, security cameras captured the whole thing:

Ballmer: I'm here to see Kai-Fu Lee.

Intern: Mr. Lee left for the day, sir.

Ballmer: Come on, I know he's here. Just let me talk to him. I just want to make things right.

Intern: He's unavailable at the moment. I can take a message, though. What'd you want me to ask him?

Ballmer: Ask him this: When did you stop loving me?

Intern: Mr. Ballmer, you're drunk.

Ballmer: OK, I'm not going home alone. [addressing the gathering crowd of Google employees and jingling his keys] Who wants to work at Microsoft? I can double your salary.

Intern: Um, can you pay me in Google stock?

Ballmer: I'm leaving now. [passes out]

Friends say Ballmer's position at the top of the world's largest and most established technology company has left him feeling isolated, defensive and perhaps more than a little jealous at being beaten again and again by younger, more agile rivals.

"Microsoft is not a young company, and I recognize that," said Ballmer in a late night voice mail to Lee's new office. "I want you to know that Microsoft can still do those things you like, those special business maneuvers. Eric doesn't know you like I do. Sure, Google looks sexy with its flexibility and high profile innovations, but before long you'll get bored with that, too, and want to move to the next large-cap tech company, and then what will you be? A whore! Oh, God. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that- well, I did, but not that way. I love you. [click]"