KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI- Once again the issue of immigration, both legal and otherwise, has landed front and center on the American political landscape. While Senators argue, compromise, and ultimately fail to pass meaningful reform on the subject, an influx of a new sort casually flows through the nation's porous borders, a population of newcomers so stealthy that few of us even recognize their presence or, more importantly, the threat they pose to America's economy, security, and culture.

Most notable about these interlopers is their utter refusal to speak America's unique native tongue, English, but use instead a bastardized form of Latin to communicate.

"Just look around, these people are everywhere," said local politician Perry Noid. "I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to call them, either. I heard 'Pig Latin American' was the proper term, but then somebody else told me that it wasn't PC. We can't even ask them what they want to be called because they'd just reply with gibberish."

Unlike previous immigration waves, these new arrivals don't appear to be sticking to the dangerous, back-breaking sort of work we let them in here to undertake. According to recent government reports, these uninvited guests have been flooding the job market, taking high-pay/high-skill jobs from qualified English-speaking, native-born American citizens.

At a local coffee shop we spoke with a Pig Latin American named Ichaelmay Unthay. He told us that he works as an "omputercay echniciantay," something akin to an IT worker.

Asked if he felt any guilt for stealing jobs and income from deserving American families by undercutting prevailing wages, Unthay pretended not to understand the question and mumbled something like "Iway ivedray away Exuslay," whatever that means.

On the other hand, the lack of real information about this population has led to the conclusion that those who aren't taking work away from natualized citizens are lazy, jobless, and uninsured.

"As far as I can tell these people just drain away social services," said unemployed steel worker Will Faire. "It kills me that my tax dollars go to support these people."

Even more than the economic problems, the prevailing concern at this point is that the current explosion of Pig Latins is endangering the cultural purity of this proud nation. Pig Latin is fast becoming the language of default in neighborhoods all over the country leaving English speakers feeling like foreigners in their own country. People speak it on the street corner, the grocery store, and on on special Pig-Latin-only radio stations. Even traffic signs now say "Opstay" and "Eildyay."

Unfortunately, it may already be too late to stop the spread of these immigrants or the language that defines them. Bits and pieces of the language have gained acceptance in the mainstream and subtly altered the mother tongue. In fact, the Pig Latin term "ixnay," an exclamation that apparently means to negate or reject, is part of the official lexicon now and has been included in several major dictionaries.

Just recently parents have begun getting reports that their children are hearing and speaking Pig Latin in their schools as a kind of secret language English-speaking teachers would not understand. With this sort of phenomena becoming commonplace, experts say that bilingual education is just around the corner.

Some on the left have suggested that, in light of the inevitability of Pig Latin's acceptance, Americans should meet these newcomers half-way by learning Pig Latin ourselves, but for Faire and others such an act would be nothing short of cultural surrender.

"In America we're all about the melting pot," said Faire. "Every group of folks who came to America in the past assimilated into the larger culture and left it more or less the same. The melting pot is a good analogy, kind of like a stew. Now matter what you add, it still tastes the same because after a while the veggies and meat assimilate into the stew as a whole. The carrots don't actually become potatoes, they just learn to taste like potatoes."

Indeed, what makes these people so special? American Indians, for example, can arguably be called America's first immigrants. (Of course, it was far easier for them since they were already here when the first real Americans landed on Plymouth Rock.) Yet just like everyone who came afterward, these people assimilated into American society. Today, these noble savages have abandoned their silly tribal customs and transformed themselves into fully-functioning citizens, sharing America's love of tight-knit neighborhoods, hard alcohol, and over-themed casinos.

When Senators resume the immigration debate in a few weeks, there will certainly be talk of fences, quotas and such. However, this problem cannot possibly have a solution until it is fully understood. For example, we still have not the slightest clue about their motivations. Why do they choose to leave their home countries and risk everything to come here?

"Ymay amilyfay amecay otay isthay ountrycay otay eathebray eefray," said Unthay, "Ilewhay eway illstay ancay."