RICHMOND, VA- Embattled Senator George Allen released a statement on Tuesday insisting that he is not, as several recent reports have indicated, a racist person. To illustrate his open-minded, inclusive nature, Allen expressed his heart-felt love and empathy for "all the negroids out there." According to Allen's campaign manager, the new plan is to turn the controversy around and use the widespread anger among minorities as a strategy for victory in November. More than that, Allen insists that this eleventh-hour gambit springs from his burning desire to bring people together.

"This is America, and in this great land every vote counts," said Allen. "Who cares if their vote only counts for three-fifths as much as a white man? I'm not concerned with race. I'm out to convince every shoe-shiner, charismatic house servant, athlete and rap star that I'm the best white guy for the job."

In a hastily-produced campaign commercial which began airing last night, Allen made the bold claim that it is he, and not his Democratic opponent Jim Webb, who really cares the most about non-caucasian Virginians.

"I have a great affinity for the homies," said Allen, making a vague attempt at a gang sign with his hands. "They are my peeps, so to speak. You might say that I'm a man of the macacas."

As a demonstration of his earnestness, Allen took the stage at a recent NAACP fundraiser and performed a medley of Al Jolson tunes in a tuxedo and blackface. The group reportedly raised twice what they had expected, but failed to thank Allen for his participation. The next day, he arrived unannounced at the Hampton University homecoming picnic, armed with several dozen buckets of fried chicken and a truckload of watermelon (not an easy thing to find in Virginia so far out of season). Rather than offering a warm welcome, college administrators asked Allen to leave.

In spite of his best efforts to educate the voting public about the real George Allen, the totally-comfortable-with-black-people George Allen, the accusations of racism continue to take an enormous toll in the opinion polls. For Allen and his supporters, the possibility that such a trivial matter could them the election seems terribly unfair. Once again, political hacks on the left are using dirty tricks such as facts and eyewitness statements to take down a dedicated public servant.

"To me this has all the hallmarks of a textbook slam job," complained Allen. "Democrats have been waiting for this moment for quite some time. It tuns my stomach to think that they've been hanging back in the shadows while I put my foot in my mouth over and over again: blurting out off-color remarks, drinking from the whites-only water fountain down at the club, and lighting the occasional lawn cross. And then they have the nerve to ask me to answer for my behavior? Hell, if you were watching me all this time, wouldn't you have some responsibility to stop me? Think about it. They're just as responsible for my actions as I am- more so perhaps."

According to a source very close to the incumbent Senator, Allen's campaign has begun drafting a complaint letter to the Virginia Elections Board. Allen's campaign is several million dollars richer than that of opponent Jim Webb, they argue. So, if Webb ends up winning in spite of this, there can be no greater proof that something shady has taken place. If such a travesty of democracy actually occurs, several dozen wealthy corporate donors could be disenfranchised.

"If anything, I'm the real victim of racism here," said Allen. "If I were a black, crack-addicted welfare queen, nobody would accuse me of making disparaging comments about white people. I'm not saying that all black people are crack-addicted or on welfare- just all the black people I know."

When pressed, Allen admitted that he did not know any African Americans personally, but he assured reporters that he has seen these people in magazines and on television and they seem alright to him.