VATICAN CITY, ROME- The Catholic church has, for as long as anyone can remember, advocated something they call "respect for life." As it turns out, this means more than just forcing terminally ill patients to suffer through their final days and refusing to perform certain basic reproductive health functions at their many hundreds of hospitals. Apparently, this respect for life thing entails a belief that human life begins at conception (or, in some rare cases, the result of some sort of angelic booty call).

Unfortunately, this has always brought up a dangerous conundrum: what happens to the souls of children who die before they can be baptized? Or are baptized by an unfashionable brand of Christianity? Or were too busy making a doodie in their diaper at the time of the ceremony to pay attention? The answer to this, for the last thousand years or so, has been the concept of purgatory, sometimes called Limbo or "Hell Lite."

However, as the world has grown more educated and sophisticated over the centuries, many of today's faithful find it difficult to believe in hell as a physical place, let alone that it has a mezzanine level. As recently as a few years ago, church leaders recognized that unless they can come up with a better answer to the question of the innocent unsaved, the whole of the Catholic church could collapse like a house of prayer cards. With that in mind, Pope Benedict XVI rolled up his sleeves with the intent of finally resolving this theological conundrum- and with a pen stroke, he eliminated the very concept of "limbus infantium."

The implications of the decree are as profound as they are cumbersome. Sources say that very soon heaven could be filled to bursting with hundreds of billions of unbaptized infants, a possibility that has long-time staffers riled to no end.

"Seriously, where am I supposed to put them all?," said a disgruntled heavenly employee whom we'll call "Pete" for the sake of anonymity. "That's easy for Pope Benedict to say, I suppose. He doesn't have to arrange for housing and other essentials. They won't even know where they are or why they're here. It's ridiculous. Clearly, the Pope did not think this one through. Then again, why should he when he has obedient morons like us to clean up after him? Oh, well."

According to Pope benedict, eliminating Limbo once and for all was a natural choice. Not only is the concept largely misunderstood, those who do seem to grasp the idea find it theologically dubious. Moreover, members of the clergy eventually have come to resent spending so much of their time repeatedly explaining something that so few parishioners care about in the slightest.

"At some point it's a matter of throwing good dogma after bad," he told an Italian newspaper on Thursday. "Even back in the days of old, Limbo was never very popular among the faithful. You just have to look at the disappointing sales of Dante's purgatory-themed sequel to his Divine Comedy to see that Limbo has always been something of a loss leader for us. I mean, people don't tell each other to 'go to Limbo' or describe an inhospitable place as a 'Limbo-hole.' I'm fairly sure most people won't miss it."

Still, some critics of the church remain skeptical of the decree and argue that perhaps the Pope had other motivations.

"I'm sure the boys and girls all around the Catholic world are happy to hear the news," said Dr. Charles Checker, professor of theology at the University of Chicago. "But doesn't it sound like, by moving that limbo bar, he's really just attempting to placate moderates concerned over his controversial comments about Islam? Or is this just a matter of selling out time-honored church dogma in an attempt to become a limbo star? I mean, how low can you go?"

Regardless of what Pope Benedict had really intended, the move does little to change the situation for most Catholics because eliminating Limbo alone does not appear to resolve the original theological question. So, where do all those dead babies go?

"Oh, they go to Hell now," replied the Pope. "Pitchforks, heat, crackle crackle and the rest. It's an improvement because- um, because we don't have to launch into an argument over what Purgatory means and- oh, crap. I'm going to have to think about that one."

Meanwhile, the Pope has other plans for streamlining the complex and often confusing world of Catholic dogma. According to high-level inside sources, the Holy Trinity is probably the next thing to go. Who is this Holy Spirit character anyway and why does he/she/it get top billing alongside the other two? If the Universe is a father and son operation, why put up a sign that reads "Father & Son and Some Other Undefinable Thing" It's bad for business [*]

[Editor's note: the article remains unfinished due to a rather unfortunate incident involving the writer and a bolt of lightning. (INSERT DISTASTEFUL ABORTION JOKE HERE) We've sent flowers to his family and pray for-

[Publisher's note: the above editor's note remains unfinished due to the fact that he's a moron who forgot to post it on time.]