STUDY: MOST SELF-DIAGNOSED "ASPERGER'S" PATIENTS JUST ASSHOLES

OXFORD, ENGLAND- For 20-year-old college student Annie Soshul, learning about Asperger's Syndrome was like opening a door. The symptoms of the disorder, not unlike a mild form of autism, sounded like her own autobiography: a gift for mathematics, an obsession with detail, and extreme discomfort with personal interaction or intimacy.

For years Soshul wondered what was wrong with her. Although her online life was rich and fulfilling, her "real life" inability to get along with coworkers or maintain a romantic relationship had become a source of deep frustration. At long last she was now armed with a medical term for her peculiar and often abrasive personality. For the first time since early childhood, she felt comfortable in her own skin.

She is by no means alone. There are, according to the most recent estimate, millions of young people today who so fervently believe that the disorder explains who and what they are that they see no need to seek medical attention to confirm their condition, much less to treat it.

According to a new study in the current issue of The Lancet, however, Soshul and others may be completely off base. After rummaging through piles of data spanning years of clinical research, the study's authors have concluded that a majority of these self-diagnosed Asperger's patients are actually just intensely unlikable people.

They are, in short, assholes.

"I took the on-line 'do you have Asperger's' test from that Slashdot link, and I scored near the top," said Soshul. "The result said that I'm smart and that my lack of people skills is a gift rather than a sign of ineptitude. These researchers can say all they want, but nobody can take that away from me."

Over the course of the past year, this "Do you have Asperger's Syndrome" quiz has circulated on the Internet more than "dumb blonde jokes" and "drowned lawyer jokes" emails combined. In fact, people take so much pride in their high scores that some have dubbed it the Mensa test of the new millennium. Not surprisingly, the revelation that these self-aggrandizing tests have no diagnostic value has not gone over well.

Dr. Leon McCouch says that he and the rest of the research team fully understood that their work might be controversial but were completely surprised at the torrent of hatemail and online death threats that followed its publication.

"It was never our intent to insult or upset people," said McCouch. "But as medical professionals, we would be remiss in our duty if we were to stand by and allow these people to incorrectly tie their boorish behavior to Asperger's Syndrome. Then again, I suppose we should have anticipated this reaction. What else would you expect when you speak truth to a bunch of assholes?"

McCouch went on to explain that his group's intention is to encourage folks who feel they have Asperger's to get tested for the disorder. For most of these people, however, the desire for an official diagnosis is grossly outweighed by the very real possibility that they will be told that they don't have Asperger's Syndrome.

The explanation has done little to calm nerves online. E-petitions for the article's redaction, profanity-laden rants, and amateurish Photoshops of McCouch circulated throughout the web on Tuesday.

"What right have they to take my Asperger's away from me?" wrote N1ght3lPh. "I'm so mad about this, I think I might post a thread about it."

Under intense pressure, McCouch has agreed to write a follow-up to the article for the next issue declaring a new medical definition for the not-quite-Asperger's-Syndrome Syndrome that appears to be spreading so quickly among America's 20-somethings. The disorder, to be known as "Ass Burger's Syndrome" should become official by February or March of next year.

The designation represents a significant step forward for wannabe Asperger's patients and their families, though experts say that it could just be a code name doctors will use to subtly mock Internet-addicted young people with no social skills.

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