WASHINGTON, D.C.- Issues of the environment, stuck as they are on the crossroads of politics and science, can be very confusing for average Americans. Thanks to countless news items on the subject and celebrity lectures, however, we understand a few things very well: the planet is probably dying and that it must be our fault. For years we thought there wasn't much we could do about this, but former pop star Sheryl Crow has come up with a novel idea: reduce forest depletion by limiting the amount of toilet paper that can be used with each bathroom visit.

At first this might seem unrealistic or maybe a little naive, but bear in mind that this woman knows better. She used to be famous, after all. In this effort, Crow is following in the grand footsteps of great environmentalists like Ed Bagely, Jr. who have devoted their post-showbiz years to the noble cause of telling other people how to live.

However, this seemingly unstoppable teepee rationing program has run into the the only thing powerful enough to stop it: criticism from other celebrities. During Monday's episode of The View, co-host Rosie O'Donnell expressed her own doubts regarding Crow's plan.

"Going to the can is just about the only part of my life that I still enjoy, and now some stick-thin honey with half a butt comes along and tells me I can only use one square," complained O'Donnel who openly admits to using half a roll of Bouty at every sitting. "It's a mess down there, you don't even want to know."

O'Donnell later clarified that she considers herself an environmentalist and is very much in favor of "going green" as long as it means drinking vast quantities of cheap grape drink containing blue food dye.

At this point, it is impossible to say for sure who will come out on top in this clash of the titans. Crow was once married to a cancer survivor known for riding his bike to work, yet O'Donnel may hold the trump card on left-leaning social issues since she is a card-carrying lesbian. Only time will tell.

Toilet paper is only the beginning, says Crow. National sales figures show conclusively that paper-intensive facial tissues such as Kleenex have become an even bigger problem in recent years, clogging up sewage systems and landfills with sticky wads of tree-meat. Even worse, these specially designed lubricated tissues take much longer to decay than untreated paper. Pollution experts say the issue first appeared in the late 1990's and since then has tracked almost exactly with the rise of the porn-laden Internet.

Crow tried to put it as delicately as she could when she spoke with reporters on Monday, but eventually she had to come out and say it.

"Masturbation is killing the planet," said Crow. "I don't want to be so blunt, but there's no point in beating around the bush- oh, poor choice of words. If we want to save the planet, guys are going to have to stop jerking off. Now, I know this sort of change is going to be hard- ugh, sorry."

Crow and her cohort, Inconvenient Truth producer Laurie David (disappointingly, not the cross-dressing half of comedian Larry David), reason that their new "Fap-free America" plan is the the perfect consumer-level sacrifice to aid the environment because 1) it could have a significant impact on paper usage in the United Sates and 2) it requires someone else to do the actual sacrificing.

To be fair, Crow confessed to her own contribution to the problem in years past. According to her own calculations, provocative album covers and music videos from earlier in her career inspired the destruction of untold acres of old-growth forest. Thankfully, her looks have faded and no one has masturbated thinking of her since the "bus stop hooker" look died out in the early 1990's.

Following their presentation, Crow and David asked reporters if there were any further questions.

"Um, are you two going to make out or something?"

Crow replied in the negative, and the press conference was officially declared over.