DALLAS, TEXAS- Drug enforcement agents in the Lone Star State issued stern warnings on Tuesday about a new kind of heroin called "cheese," a cocktail of black tar heroin and diphenhydramine (found in many over-the-counter medications) that emerges from the chemical process as a crumbly, cheese-like substance. The result, experts say, is as cheap as it is ridiculously addictive- just like real cheese.

Authorities say that the whole sordid business was discovered earlier this year when border agents stopped Speedy Gonzales attempting to enter into the US with more than four pounds of the stuff taped to his tiny legs and inside condoms stuffed in various body cavities. From that point forward, there could no longer be any doubt. Cheese is here, and it's big business.

"I got into it a while back when my friend Tom pressured me into trying it," said "Jerry," a Dallas-area cheese addict. "It wasn't long before I realized he wasn't really my friend, but by then it was too late. I've been hooked ever since."

When they're not tricking their customers into a painful, hollow life of addiction, cheese dealers are also given to incredible cruelty. For instance, Tom has made a game out of placing the cheesy opiate on large wooden traps and waiting for Jerry's cravings to overtake him. Before long his insatiable need for cheese clouds his mind, and he rushes headlong into the trap knowing full well what will happen. With shame in his voice, Jerry admitted that he has broken his nose more than twelve times in just that way.

"I wish I could resist it, but I just can't," said Jerry, his dim eyes welling with tears. "I go to the clinic to get my daily dose of cheese substitute, but it's not the same. My body knows it's not the same. God, I don't know what I'm going to do."

On the streets, cheese is reportedly so inexpensive as to make some hardened drug users suspicious. At just two bucks per hit, even crack dealers are turning up their noses at cheese.

"How am I supposed to make money on something like that?" complained one street corner dealer. "From what I've seen, there's no margin in it at all. Considering all the time it will take to move this much product at that price, I'm making something close to minimum wage. My time is more valuable than that."

One underworld accountant we spoke with concluded that, even if one negates the line items for bodyguards and bling, an average dealer is still losing money in the cheese game. To be sure, the old business model simply won't work. Then again, it could be that this super-cheap narcotic is aimed at a whole new market: people so poor that they see crack as a status drug. With that in mind, the secret to financial success with this super-cheap cheese heroin appears to be three-fold: volume, volume, and volume. Keep prices low and their own costs even lower.

Although DEA officials will not confirm or deny this, rumor has it that former Wal-Mart executives are behind this new wave of cheese.

As a matter of fact, surprisingly little is known about the drug or its origins. However, this lack of solid information should be no excuse for inaction. According to the President's Council on Alcohol and Other Drugs, fear is the only known antidote for this as-yet nonexistent cheese epidemic.

"I'm still unsure what this stuff is, but all I know is that everyone I love is now in mortal peril because of cheese," said concerned parent Perry Noya. "As long as we're afraid of this new substance, it cannot harm our children. I'll apologize in advance for the smell that's coming your way. In an attempt to protect our nation's young people, I just shat myself. By the way, you're welcome."