WASHINGTON, D.C.- The President's heartbreaking week began with news that his most trusted advisor Karl Rove had decided to leave the White House for new challenges in the private sector. The very next day his loyal Press Secretary and long-time media ally Tony Snow announced his resignation as well. Crestfallen and confused, President Bush called an emergency press conference on Saturday to announce that he, too, would be stepping down effective immediately-ish. Without another word of explanation, Bush hopped board Marine One and abruptly disappeared, leaving a shocked crowd of White House aides and reporters scrambling to catch up.

As only the second President in US history to resign his post, George W. Bush has a lot of questions to answer about specifically why he chose to leave office when and how he did. As shocking as this development may seem, those who know Bush well say the country should have seen this coming. Always one to follow the advice and example of his tight-knit inner circle, Bush probably decided to leave office because he believed Rove and the other exiting staffers had intended him to do so.

Constitutionally, the next immediate step would be to swear in Dick Cheney as President in order to ensure national stability, but to do that, officials must locate the reclusive Vice President first. As it happens, Cheney's exact location is classified so deeply that even the Vice President himself is not allowed to know fully where his is at any given time. Whatever he does happen know about his own whereabouts he's so far been unwilling to say.

"I really think it would be better for the American People if we were to skip that step altogether and install a brand new President," said Cheney from his secret bunker via an encrypted satellite uplink. "That way I can remain the unseen, behind-the-scenes VP, controlling all the action without all that bothersome oversight and accountability."

Meanwhile, productivity at the White House has ground to a halt as veteran staffers pack their belongings and spend their days cruising the Internet looking for their next job.

"I didn't mean to cause a stir or anything," Bush later explained from his Crawford, Texas, ranch. "It's just that everybody I know is leaving public life. Karl and Dennis are gone. My buddy in England, Mr. English Guy, he left office. Dick's alright, but he's never around. There's nobody cool left."

Indeed, the President's staff was winnowed down from the elite Skull & Bones boys to the earnest policy wonks and Poindexters he has spent so much of his life avoiding. Bush has privately described the situation like setting down one's lunch tray at the Cool Kids table only to find one's self surrounded by members of the chess club.

"I had so wanted him to make new friends in Washington," said his mother Barbara. "And I must confess that it is a bit disappointing seeing him pine so much for his old ones."

With so much at stake and a pair of wars to manage, high-level White House officials are hard at work on a plan to bring Bush back from the brink, hanging their hopes on the technical detail that Bush has not yet signed the paperwork required to officially resign. With that faint glimmer of hope as their guide, staffers are taking steps to bring in old friends and acquaintances to serve in the administration to make the President feel more comfortable.

For example, his third grade teacher Ms. Crabapple flew into Reagan Airport over the weekend to serve as his new senior advisor. Though 96 years young, aides say Crabapple can more than hold her own in a policy debate will have no trouble accompanying the President on his daily jogs. Add to this a college roommate, a cousin or two, and a handful of his father's oil industry friends, and Bush should feel right at home again.

If all goes according to plan, Bush will emerge with a refreshed attitude in mid-September as though he had simply been on his annual extended vacation.