WASHINGTON, D.C.- Embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned his post on Monday, saying goodbye to a job he liked very much as well as to a number of lingering controversies that have been swirling around the memory-impaired AG since he took the job two and a half years ago. Keen observers will note that Gonzales' exit is a remarkably clever gambit not only for its timing (during both the Michael Vick media storm and the Daily Show's late summer hiatus) but also for a seemingly minor detail in his announcement: "... and so I am resigning effective August 27, 2006."

White House sources have confirmed that this was no innocent typo or verbal gaffe. Gonzales has worked out a way to make his resignation retroactive to the fall of last year. With that in mind, he wasn't serving as Attorney General at the time of the US attorney firings and thus could not have lied to Congress about his involvement since, whatever that happened to be, he was not acting as the head of the DOJ. Thus, it should be no mystery why he said "I don't recall" so many times in response to his many Senate committee grillings. He was laying the groundwork for this from the very beginning.

In light of this technical loophole, Gonzales revealed that Deputy AG Paul McNulty has been in charge all this time- unbeknownst to him, of course. This way, the true Attorney General can go before any legal body and quite rightly claim ignorance of the whole affair. Better still, McNulty resigned earlier this year leaving acting Deputy AG Craig S. Morford in charge of the entire operation- also without his knowledge.

"Clever bastard," said Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D. Vermont). "At first I thought 'he can't do that' but then I remembered just who he was, and my blood ran cold. We're talking about the only man alive with the stones to make John Ashcroft look like a civil libertarian. This man can do anything."

And yet in spite of confirmed reports that Gonzales left on his own terms and for his own reasons, there are still many who believe that he resigned in order to escape criticism over his handling of a variety of issues as well as a general lack of competence as Attorney General, a rumor that has seriously irked the President.

"I'm glad he quit," said an angry Bush, brushing the moisture from his eyes. "As I see it, America doesn't deserve Alberto Gonzales. It tears me up inside to see his good name dragged through the mud based on nothing more than what he's done and said. It's nothing but partisan character assassination."

For the sake of the administration's credibility, finding a replacement quickly is absolutely vital. According to the President, this won't be a problem since the job itself is so very enticing. Bush said that he personally knows of hundreds of eager legal eagles who would jump at the chance to run a dysfunctional department for what amounts to minimum wage in the legal profession- all under a strict time limit that means that they cannot affect any lasting changes.

To that end, the White House placed the following ad appeared in the Washington Times:

WANTED: Whipping-Boy/Fall-Guy, $15/hour + FEHB benefits. Blame-taking experience a plus. Must pass loyalty exam prior to interview. Apply at 1600 Penn.

Once the administration finds its new AG, the primary goal will be to sneak him or her into the job without going through the usual Constitutional channels. High level sources say that the weakened White House might not be able to withstand a lengthy and politically damaging confirmation process. In fact, the President appears to be terrified by the prospect and has ordered a strict "lock-down" regarding any dealings with Congress.

"They detect your movement," said Bush of the Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee. "If you move a muscle, they'll tear us all apart!"

Immediately afterward West Wing staffers issued a statement urging reporters not to be alarmed by the rhetoric. Apparently, the President had just watched Jurassic Park four times over the weekend and was still a little jumpy.