TRENTON, NJ- In a dramatic turn, New Jersey's Governor Jon Corzine has signed a bill effectively ending the death penalty in the state. Naturally, this move comes as welcome news for civil libertarians and prisoners' rights activists- not to mention those currently on death row. However, there is a catch. Their lives have been spared, granting them decades longer to live, but unfortunately they will have to spend them in New Jersey.

This catch-22 has led some to wonder if condemned prisoners are any better off under this new regime.

"Please, this just isn't fair!" shouted Bert "Basket of Kittens" Mallone through the bars of his cramped death row cell. "Sure, I killed those nuns and may have committed a teensy bit of treason here or there, but does any of that really justify a punishment like this? I mean, New Jersey? Come on, have a heart and electrocute me!"

A group representing the interests of death row inmates and the appeal attorneys who represent them has begun laying the groundwork for a campaign to declare life imprisonment in New Jersey as a violation of the Eighth Amendment. However, this effort is unlikely to succeed since there is nothing in the Constitution that explicitly defines an extended stay in the Garden state as cruel or unusual.

For years liberal groups have engaged in a bitter state-by-state battle over the issue of capital punishment, citing the moral difficulties inherent in bringing the government into the business of deciding who lives and who dies. But for New Jersey officials, the decision had more to do with the practical issues of law enforcement.

"I really think we're onto something special here," said Corzine. "Our research on the subject of capital punishment strongly indicated that the death penalty has been an utter failure as a deterrent for violent crime. However, we've found not executing people to be far more effective."

According to the Governor's plan, the next step in the process is to get the word out about the state's sadistic alternative to capital punishment. Beginning early next year, a series of aggressive public service announcements will hit the air featuring Corzine's new anti-crime slogan: "Commit a gun crime in the state of New Jersey- spend the rest of your life in the state of New Jersey. No exceptions."

The goal, says Corzine, is to make New Jersey a better place to live- well, not so much better that criminals will want to remain there, but better than it is now. So far the outlook for success is very good. According to the most recent estimates, New Jersey can expect to see the state-wide figures for murder and aggravated battery to drop by as much as twenty-five percent by 2010.

If those impressive numbers bear out, other states will more than likely elect to follow suit, repealing their own death penalty laws in favor of extradition to New Jersey.

Meanwhile, the rate of prisoner suicides could jump by as much as 150 percent.

"For years I have yearned to breathe free air," said Mallone. "But have you breathed the air in this state? It smells like burning tires and antibiotics. If it were up to me, I'd rather not breathe at all."