WASHINGTON, D.C.- For the umpteenth time in the last few months, the price of crude oil hit another all-time high on Monday. Without doubt, the repercussions are everywhere: job layoffs, higher food prices, and, most distressing of all, a sharp rise in pointless, unendurable chattering about the high cost of fuel.

To be sure, there is a positive social aspect to the gas price hike, especially in the workplace. Elevator companions with nothing in common suddenly have something to talk about, not to mention the millions of painfully tedious people who now have a willing audience for their unhinged ravings.

However, the cost to America's businesses is just too high. Experts now speculate that bitching about gas prices could be the greatest threat to the country's economic security since the terror attacks of September 11th, 2001. According to recent estimates, lost productivity due to lingering water cooler bitch sessions could reach into the trillions by the end of the summer, nearly double the total cost of the actual itself.

This became all too clear last week in Southern California when a well-meaning young woman reminded a group of disgruntled gas pumpers that people pay two or three times as much for fuel in Europe as they do in the U.S. The ensuing riot cost millions of dollars in property damage- not to mention the medical expenses incurred in removing the gas nozzle from her posterior.

This unending stream of complaint also comes with a terrible psychological cost. Four dollars per gallon gasoline means six to eight conversations every day about the high cost of fuel, how unfair it is to them personally, and precisely what everyone else should be doing to resolve the issue. If left unchecked the resulting surge in mental illness could put an enormous strain on the nation's already ailing healthcare system, and yet the media seems far too busy exacerbating the problem to help resolve it. With summer driving season hitting full swing, America's news organizations cannot resist the urge to remind drivers how much they just paid for gas- much like a spate of inclement weather requires 24-hour blanket coverage to inform the viewing public that the rumors are true; it is raining outside. So, in accordance with federal regulation, we dispatched a correspondent to a local gas station and interview random motorists about an economic system they clearly do not understand.

"It costs too damn much to fill up," said Moe Rhonic who drove more than fifty miles to save ten cents per gallon on his 10mpg Hummer. "I read on the Internet that the oil companies have the technology to make gas cheaper and make cars more fuel efficient but the government isn't making them use it. As an American, I have the right to free speech, due process and cheap gas. It's in the Constitution!"

During the interview a mob gathered outside to protest apparent price gouging, furious over having to pay $4.25 for a gallon of gasoline. Struggling with outrageously high wholesale and overhead costs on their own side of things, management could not offer the angry drivers any discounts, but for an additional $5, customers had the opportunity to buy special buttons that say "I bought gas for $3.75 per gallon and you're a dumbass," limit one per fill-up. This seemed to satisfy them, and the crowd quickly dissipated in a cloud of greenhouse gases.

Inspired by this innovative solution, President Bush has amended his energy policy to include the production and distribution of millions of such buttons. Naturally, this would only be a stop-gap measure. The President already has the nation's top scientists working on a long-term solution: new kind of fuel made from the ground-up bones of poor people. If fully implemented, it could reduce the cost of a gallon of gas by as much as five cents.