BEIJING, CHINA- They took our manufacturing jobs, pirated our movies, and sucked up all the gasoline. As if that were not enough, the dastardly, usurping Chinese are now poised to attack the last bastion of American superiority. A new study finds that more than one quarter of Chinese adults have become overweight or obese during the last decade, putting them on track to overtake America's World's Fattest Nation title before the end of the decade.

Naturally, researchers cite the prevalence of processed convenience foods and the sedentary lifestyle Chinese citizens now enjoy as the primary causes, but for America's husky patriots this is a matter of national pride. After such a rough start to the millennium, certainly disheartening to see this once-proud country knocked down another notch on the global totem pole.

"I always liked knowing that America was still number one at something," said 350 pound truck driver Val Uminus. "And it felt good to know that I was part of that. Now it's almost like I'm carrying around all this extra weight for no reason."

Worse still is the stealthy, some say underhanded, way in which China came into contention for the title. Generations of American children grew up hearing about the millions of starving children in rural China. No one had the slightest clue that under this sympathetic facade the government was secretly fattening up the populace in preparation for a run at America's number one ranking.

Outraged by this crass usurpation, CNN's Lou Dobbs decried China's actions during Tuesday's broadcast as well as Capitol Hill's do-nothing approach to the matter. Long known for doing his part to maintain America's rotund preeminence, Dobbs promised to redouble his efforts, going on an all-freedom-fries diet until China gives up its calorie intensive ambitions and slips back into second or third place.

Meanwhile, Dobbs' counterpart in Szechwan Province is similarly upset by the rapid spread of obesity in his country.

"The problem starts at home," said one rather large gentleman with an unpronounceable name. "Children today are too lazy. Working ten or twelve hours in the shoe factory teaches a young person the value of hard work, exercise, and the importance of keeping your fingers out of the stamping machine. Now that we've shipped those jobs to even less developed countries, it's not surprising that they're getting fat."

Of course, none of this is helping to ease the already strained Sino-American relationship, so high level operatives on both sides are stepping in to calm matters. In an official statement from the ruling Communist party on Tuesday, Chinese officials attempted to reassure Westerners that the sudden surge in obesity is by no means a threat to America's porcine status, though they admit that the national weight gain was entirely intentional. As a matter of fact, party leaders reportedly established a special government office to help bulk up its population in advance of the upcoming Olympic games to make American tourists feel more comfortable.

"You come here and eat, America," said Chinese President Hu Jintao. "All you can eat buffet for $6.99 - kung pao, mushu, stir fry and spring roll. Free refills!"

All the same, there can be no shame in second place. America is still home to millions of overweight and morbidly obese people and astounding rates of diabetes and heart-related illnesses, costing taxpayers and health consumers trillions of dollars every year. Eyebrow-raising stats like that that don't just happen. Better still, those numbers are becoming more severe with each passing year. Who knows, if we keep our noses and over-spilling bellies to the grindstone the U.S. might one day catch up with China.

"Sad as it is, we can take solace in one thing," said Uminus. "At least our education system is still at the bottom of the barrel. We're number N! We're number N!"