GENEVA, SWITZERLAND- As researchers at CERN prepare to flip the comically over-sized "on" switch on the largest and most complex super-collider ever made, unhinged alarmists all over the world have expressed concern that the obnoxiously huge particle accelerator could generate a black hole and trigger the end of the world. Thankfully, these folks can breathe a sigh of relief today because the aforementioned doomsday instrument not being activated after all. As it turns out, the lab's much touted Large Hadron Collider does not actually exist.

Yet, this clever academic rouse was more than just an excuse to accidentally say "large hardon" in front of mixed company. In a sheepish press release on Wednesday, explained that the fictitious project served as cover to divert funding and distract the public as they endeavored to complete a far more ambitious and far more dangerous project.

As reporters arrived in Geneva for the unveiling of the nonexistent collider, they found nothing but an empty field and a vat filled with more than 50,000 gallons of Diet Coke. For nearly half an hour, members of the international science community sat in the grandstands and pondered what it could all mean. Right on cue, a dual-rotor helicopter arrived towing a gigantic candy mint estimated at twelve and a half tons.

"This is madness!" protested Mohamed ElBaradei of the IAEA. "You're trying to play God, but you'll wind up kill us all! This folly could result in the end of life as we know it!"

Immediately, officials swooped in to halt the stunt on the grounds that it was scientifically invalid not to mention completely irresponsible, but CERN Foundation director Robert Aymar insisted that the highly dangerous experiment could reveal a great deal about the origins of the universe.

"At the moment of impact with the sugary soda, the highly charged Mento atoms will be released from the candy capsule at the speed of light, creating a singularity that could change everything we think we know about astrophysics," said Aymar. "More than likely, the data we generate today will be studied for decades to come. Also, it will be fucking awesome. So, stop harshing my buzz and step aside."

With that, team members cut the rope and the house-sized candy plopped into the brackish liquid. For several moments, the crowd looked around, wondering if Aymar's team had miscalculated the razor-thin balance between cola and mint, but suddenly the vat erupted in a carbonated geyser that jutted more than a mile into the air before crashing down on the crowd of observers, many of whom had to be treated for severe burns.

Stephen Hawking, who was allegedly in on it the whole time, could not contain his joy. At the sight of the unprecedented Coke plume, Hawking leapt from his motorized chair and pumped his gnarled fist into the air. "Oh, hell yes!" he typed. "Oh! Hell! Yes!"

It will take months of data mining and recalculation before researchers can draw any clues about the structure of spacetime. However, based on the thick cloud of black mist that surrounded the area, some are now theorizing that a massive collision of Mentos and Coke might be how the dinosaurs really died.

"All in all, I would say my conclusions are that the experiment kicked a lot of ass," wrote Aymar in his academic paper to be published in next month's Astrophysical Journal. "Too bad we didn't set up the super-high speed camera to capture the molecular motion at the moment of the singularity, but at least we managed to get a wide shot and convert it to Flash. Once the YouTube hits get up to 100,000 we'll apply for more funding."