WASHINGTON, D.C.- Since his poll numbers began sliding late last month, Sen. John McCain has been seeking that elusive "game changer" that would divert the public's attention from his relative weaknesses on the economy and propel him to victory in November.

At a press conference on Thursday, the Arizona Senator boldly announced that he was sick of waiting for the game to change and now planned to change it himself. He and Barack Obama are no longer engaged in a political contest to win the White House, as everyone had previously believed. Instead, McCain insisted, they are playing checkers- and have been since Obama sewed up the Democratic nomination in early June.

As a POW in Vietnam, McCain played checkers every day and became so good, fellow captives say, that he rose to the level of Grand Master.

"Honestly, I feel sorry for my inexperienced rival," said McCain smugly. "My friends, he'll never withstand the might of my swarm technique. I'm undefeated using that style of play. You might as well king me now."

McCain is referring to the method of advancing pieces slowly and methodically over the course of a game, leaving one's opponent with no openings or jump opportunities. Researchers from FactCheck.org looked into this claim and discovered that his formidable record this year of 32 and 0 is, in fact, accurate. However, his pool of opponents, primarily grandchildren or grandnieces and nephews, raises serious doubts. Sources close to the Senator admit that he has not played anyone over the age of ten since his 1972 release.

Democrats seized upon the announcement and accused McCain of racism for insisting that Obama could not play "black." In a written statement, the McCain campaign attempted to explain that the Senator always plays black due to a long-standing personal issue.

"For five and a half years, those commie gook bastards made me play red just to torture me," explained McCain. "I'll never play their color again as long as I live."

There is also the issue of dibs. McCain called black long before Obama was even aware that they were playing. Nearly everyone but the most hardened partisan would agree that it's only fair.

The DNC continues to insist that the game at hand is still a traditional campaign contest, though Obama told reporters that he would be open to McCain's checkers idea if it would help reduce the temperature of the divisive and often combative political climate. The Senators agreed to meet at a secret location on Thursday afternoon to discuss the future of the campaign and reach an amicable resolution to the impasse.

When he arrived, the Illinois Senator was presented with a board already in play, presumably the game that McCain had been playing in his stead for the past four months. By this point, most of Obama's pieces had already been taken, and the situation looked quite dire. But while McCain launched into a lengthy monologue about his undefeated record and the virtual certainty of his victory, Obama executed a devastating triple jump, nearly ending the match right then and there.

No matter, say key McCain aides. The real intention of the game changing press conference was to use the phrase "game change" over and over in hopes that the media will repeat it and embed the notion in people's minds that McCain has turned things around in spite of contrary polling figures.

At this hour, McCain's top aides are locked in a hotel room in Phoenix brainstorming the campaign's next game changer- something that would give the 72 year old candidate a distinct advantage. At first the leading contender was to challenge the Democrat to a round of golf, then schedule the tee time for a country club where Obama is not allowed to play. Unfortunately, McCain cannot swing a club, so the staff is currently trying to decide between two fallback options: Parcheesi and horseshoes.