LONG ISLAND, NY- Sometimes you just can't win for losing. For John McCain, each new day brings worse news than the last: more unpaid campaign bills, another high-profile conservative defection, and an economy that worsens along with his own poll numbers. But now after nearly two years of talking with voters, McCain says that he finally understands what they've been asking for all along.

"I get it- believe me, I get it," said McCain the morning after Wednesday's contentious but ultimately fruitless debate. "You people want change, and somehow you all think Barack Obama is the guy who'll deliver it. Well, what about me? I'm the living embodiment of change. I've changed my campaign completely four times so far this week!"

Indeed, our team of fact checkers has confirmed that McCain's claim is absolutely correct. His messaging and general strategy has radically shifted from one day to the next over the past month. And yet in spite of this nimble, forward-thinking approach, the media gives him no credit at all. Pundits wonder if the Arizona Senator is focused on "change" because change is all he has left in his campaign coffers at the moment. McCain's campaign staff counters that this is merely a coincidence. All the while, journalists completely ignore McCain's long and illustrious track record as a champion of change.

As a matter of fact, McCain managed to pull off a feat that even the changiest agents of changy change have failed to do: changing himself. In survey after survey, independent voters attest to the fact that the John McCain of today is completely different from the John McCain they fell in love with back in 2000. Surprising though it may seem to voters of today, but McCain of 2000 actually sought bipartisan compromise in the Senate and fought the disproportionate influence of the neocons and the religious right within the GOP. Eight years later, a more mature McCain sees his personal transformation as more than just a policy shift based on what's best for the country but something far more noble: a recognition of the sort of soul-numbing ethical concessions necessary to rise to the top of the Republican party.

"I call that growth," said McCain. "Granted, it's a twisted, malignant kind of growth- kinda like those things that keep popping up on my face, but it's growth all the same!"

To underscore his change bona fides, McCain stepped away from the podium and stood in front of a blue-painted cinder block wall. After a few minutes of intense concentration, his dark grey suit began to slowly lighten until the color and texture matched the background completely.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama, the so-called "candidate of change" has barely altered his message at all. Even with the election looming less than 20 days hence, he's still talking about the same issues, taking the same positions. No wonder American voters say that they are bored with the campaign. Thank goodness McCain is doing his part to keep the race interesting with his near-constant changes in direction. For example, McCain is so focused on change that just hours ago he changed his campaign yet again and is no longer talking about change. The main office now confirms that he has switched over to talking endlessly about "Joe the Plumber" in order to cast doubt on Obama's proposed tax policy- not the first time a Republican has turned to plumbers to turn the tide in an election.

"Barack Obama stands for the change Americans want," said McCain trying not to scowl. "I, on the other hand, represent the change Americans deserve. Think about that for a minute."