The birth certificate floating around the Internet that appears to show that CNN's token nationalist Lou Dubbs was born in born in Mexico (and the state of Chihuahua of all places) is an obvious fake. It certainly didn't take much research or investigation to show that. As a matter of fact, we did no research or investigation whatsoever, and we were able to determine that in just ten minutes of incredulous chatter and fervent prayer.

However, the whole episode did bring up an important and rather uncomfortable point about Mr. Dobbs' birth certificate. Nobody has actually seen it.

During his Thursday broadcast, Louis (whose name is now pronounced Lew-EES) Dobbs (with a long O) took a break from railing against immigration to address the issue head-on. Dobbs called the charges outlandish and stated emphatically that he has the document in a safety deposit box, but when pressed on the matter he refused to go and get it under the pretense that he had a show to finish. A likely story.

Is it just a coincidence that the very same week that we learn that that Dobbs is a native Chihuahuan the famed Taco Bell dog would just happen to die? It's just too neat, too clean.

Not much is known about this jowly Pagliaccio, but one thing is certain: Lou Dobbs has a terrible secret, and he is apparently willing to kill celebrity spokesanimals in order to keep it.

It all makes sense now. Why else would he spend so much of his time and energy railing against his countrymen who did precisely what he has done? In light of these revelations, Dobbs is the Tedd Haggard of the immigration issue. He doth protest a little too damn much.

Worse still, there are no papers on file indicating that Dobbs has become a naturalized US citizen, thus he is here illegally. If, as some have alleged, CNN is aware of this problem, the network has broken federal employment regulations by knowingly hiring an illegal alien. Word has it that he works for half what Blitzer, Brown or Cooper make. Now we know why.

His viewers, most of whom were proudly born right here in the US of A, want answers. Specifically, they want to see his original birth certificate or they want to see him get the hell out of this great country.

Dobbs' staff presented a scan of the document on the CNN website for the public to examine but that has not been enough to satisfy skeptics.

The denials have only served to deepen the controversy. Producers of his show have received a torrent of email from people demanding their country back and asking if Dobbs stole a commentator job from a legitimate American citizen.

As if it weren't bad enough that the same audience Dobbs has spent ten years cultivating and whipping into a frenzy has begun to turn on him, this week has gotten even worse for the veteran commentator. A 16th century petard in his collection of antique armaments exploded at his home last evening, hoisting him several feet into the air and causing a broken leg.