Since the not-at-all-unexpected-but-still-untimely death of Senator Ted Kennedy, Democrats have been desperately searching for a successor with no luck at all. Dozens of names have floated around, a policy wonk here, a freakishly lantern-jawed Kennedy decedent there. But none of them have the gravitas, legislative experience, or alcohol tolerance of the original. And now the Governor has said that he will leave Kennedy's seat empty until a special election can be held early next year. At a time when every vote counts, this is the worst possible scenario for proponents of healthcare reform, an issue near and dear to the late Senator's heart.

In the midst of the deflating hopes of health care reformers, Kennedy's absence cries out like a phantom limb. Anyone who tries to fill the void comes to the same disquieting conclusion: they are no Ted Kennedy.

So, why not appoint Ted Kennedy himself?

Scientists at the H. P. L. Institute in Cambridge now say that, thanks to recent breakthroughs in nanotechnology, they might be able to reanimate the Massachusetts Senator long enough to pass the bill. Powered by scores of tiny nanobots and several thousand volts of electricity, Kennedy should be able to return to the chamber and broker the deals necessary to complete the "great unfinished business" of his life. At that, he can finally return to his eternal resting place with the satisfaction of a job well done- after a short cameo in a remake of Michael Jackson's "Thriller."

Best of all, state law can't intervene since he's not actually replacing anyone. The only downside, say researchers, is that he might smell a bit. In other words, he might smell a lot.

Not surprisingly, conservatives have wasted no time in ginning up fear and vitriol over the surprise appointment. Right wing blogs and their televisual equivelent on Fox News are circulating rumors that Zombie Kennedy plans to include new language in the Senate bill that would establish Undeath Panels that will randomly select elderly people whose brains will be offered to the hordes of animated corpses who wander the alphabetized streets of the nation's capitol.

The White House, in its renewed effort to quash such attacks before they spin out of control, issued a statement of clarification. Grey matter harvested from the elderly would indeed be used to feed the zombies under the new plan, but contrary to the smears eminating from the right, this program would be entirely voluntary.

"I am exceedingly confident that we can pass a bill, a good bill, by the end of the year," said Zombie Kennedy during a brief press conference. "Damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead. We're on our way to comprehensive healthcare reform. Also, brains! BRAINS!"