I thought I could have it all, but at some point I have to face facts. It is incredibly difficult, maybe even impossible, to be a strict vegan and a voodo witch doctor at the same time.

I thought I could just sacrifice stuffed animals but the people here at the voodoo seminary tell me that it's not the same thing. Apparently, I have to use a real live animal otherwise the black magic won't stick. I've tried explaining that cutting apart a live chicken is about as offensive to my vegan sensibilities as could be imagined, but they all just stare at me and laugh like I'm some squeamish teenager unwilling to go through with the dissection in science class. It's pathetic.

It seems like no matter what I do I offend some part of me. I can't win. My vegan friends want to know why I rely on spirit animals to do my bidding in the astral plane. Technically speaking that's forced animal labor, a definite no-no in the vegan community. My voodoo friends can't seem to comprehend my fear of blood and distaste for leather products.

The other day, a potion called for "eye of bat." I tried to substitute millet or chick peas, but it didn't work. After two days of searching, I found a rare and powerful herb at the voodoo store, but a careful reading of the label revealed the fact that it was processed in a plant that also handles animal products. So, in the trash it went.

I got into voodoo and veganism in the first place because everyone involved in the respective communities seemed so open-minded. But I've found that in truth, they are nothing of the sort.

For example, I have been trying for some time to tried to find a source for cruelty-free voodoo dolls, ones that weren't produced by child labor or made with animal products. Now they tell me that I have completely missed the point entirely since the purpose of the dolls is to inflict actual cruelty on other people.

On top of that, my vegan friends won't talk to me anymore. They say I don't understand the term. Apparently, not wearing leather or drinking milk isn't enough to please these people. I have to stop eating hamburgers as well. I told them that I covered the meat up with bacon to dillute the beef content, but surprise surprise, they didn't like that, either.

Aw, who am I kidding? There's probably no such thing as a voodoo seminary, anyway. People here have been telling me this all along, that the whole thing is just the product of some bad Thai food and a remastered DVD of Serpent and the Rainbow, but I always just figured it had something to do with the need to keep the place secret.

I feel woozy all of a sudden, as if someone slipped synthetic blowfish powder in my soy milk. I need to go lie down.