Lou Dobbs wants everyone to know that he left his highly-rated CNN program of his own accord and was not forced out for being a racist old coot. The fact that he happens to be a racist old coot is merely a coincidence.

All those months of heavy protests from civil rights groups and scathing editorials about him might give a person the impression that the choice to leave was not his after all but that would be ridiculous says Dobbs. For one thing if had been fired he would have left in a rush. Clearly, he had been planning this all along- as evidenced by his decision to blurt out "this will be my last show" before transforming back into a bat and flapping off in the direction of New Jersey.

Besides, when has Lou Dobbs ever lied to us? This is the same man who courageously warned us about the threat of Mexican leprosy using numbers so real, so raw, that the CDC labelled his report fictitious and irresponsible only because they couldn't handle the mayonaise-like layer of truth he was spreading out over the cable spectrum.

With that in mind, he's asking people to stop putting quotes around the word "quit" when writing stories and headlines about his surprising departure. if not, Dobbs promises to make good on his threat to call these people out by name and humiliate them on the TV show he no longer has.

Indeed, now that Dobbs is gone who will lead these people? Practiced alone or in small groups, this sort of ethnic or race-based queasiness is called xenophobia and is usually accompanied by finger pointing and head shaking. But in large enough numbers, amplified though the magically validating power of television, it's becomes "national pride."

If Dobbs wants to put this to rest he's going to have to address the central question of why he quit (or "quit") in the first place. In light of his cryptic sign-off, some of his fans speculate that he's got his eye on some kind of public service, yet only a pig-ignorant moron would believe for a second that he's honestly considering a run for public office. As it happens, "pig-ignorant moron" was Dobbs' primary ratings demographic.

The truth is far less grandiose. Remember that you heard it here first: Lou Dobbs is getting into the landscaping business. In this endeavor, the idealistic ideologue plans to hire real Americans to do the work, not the first or second generation "fake" Americans we hear about so much about. Dobbs says that he's not at all worried about the salaries, benefits and payroll taxes associated with hiring an anglo, middle-class workforce.

Through wise, conservative management Dobbs says his new company will keep his bottom line in check well enough to be able to mow a moderately-sized yard for just $450. With prices like that, it will be no time at all before people are beating a path to his door- though it could just be that the whole enterprise is just an excuse to use the E-Verify system on someone.