By this point, it would be a grand understatement to say that, as men, we love our penises. We adore them. And how could you not? They're just fantastic things. We're always dreaming up new ways to have fun with them- writing our names in the snow, waving them around like lightsabers, and for famous men, sticking them into places they ought not go.

Apparently, they can't help it. They want to be faithful husbands, but somehow the pressure of traveling so much for their work, having scads of money and free time and being irrepressible horn-dogs makes that impossible for them. For instance, Alex Rodriguez was so committed to making his last marriage work that he took to writing "don't have sex with strangers today" on the inside of his hand every day. Unfortunately the ink always seemed to rub off on the buttocks of the women he was having sex with at the time.

When that happens, men want to find a way to make it up to their loved ones for the reprehensible things (or people) they have done, usually in the form of enormously expensive gifts or direct cash payments. This rudimentary a schtup-and-trade system has existed for some time. Just the other day Tiger Woods is rumored to have written his wife a check with at least six zeroes on it, well eight if you count the ones after the decimal.

However, this only deals with the situation after the fact. For athletes, actors, and musicians with external genitalia, a time comes when they recognize that this sort of thing is going to happen and they need to take steps to prepare for it. That's where the concept of "semen offsets" come into play.

Much like carbon offsets, these incremental, tradable credits absorb the blame and guilt generated by extramarital activity by offsetting it with the unspoiled goodwill of other monogamous males. Best of all, they assuage guilt before anybody knows about it, often times before the celebrity has even committed the offense itself. That way you can keep on sleazing up the NBA/concert/book-tour circuit to your blackened heart's content. Everybody wins.

For example, actor Jude Law could buy four or five semen credits from a monogamous or asexual celebrity such as Ed Bagley, Jr. and go about his bed-hopping business guilt free. In the mood for a cocktail waitress or two? No problem, just get a John C. Riley a call. The important thing to remember is to buy the credits before you need them. The offsets only work if you have them at the ready before the act becomes public knowledge.

But you can't just get them from anybody. So, be careful. That homeless guy trying to sell you semen offsets is just trying to sell you his actual semen.

Semen offsets from un-famous or non-wealthy men, while perfectly usable for other nobodies, are utterly worthless for celebrities. The more well known a man is, the more valuable his credits will be, and the higher he will have to pay to use them himself. Had he thought ahead, Woods could have gotten by with a couple of Phil Mickelsons, or the equivalent of twenty Fim Furyks, and today his Escalade wouldn't have a scratch on it.

The best bets are celebrities who are somewhat homely and sexless because if they ever do get in this sort of extramarital trouble, their offsets become worthless, which is why Charlie Sheen can't seem to give his semen credits away. On the other hand, actor Steve Buscimi has reportedly a made a tidy fortune from trading his unused credits in recent years though he does not like to talk about it.

Still, it's remarkable to think of the money they could all save simply by keeping their one-eyed wanderers tucked neatly and safely inside their pants, but we all know that that won't happen.