Florida GOP Senate Candidate Marco Rubio can't quite explain how he would pay for extending billions of dollars in tax cuts for the nation's wealthiest people. Reporters and pundits have spent much of this week making fun of him for that, but it's really not his fault. He won't say where the money will come from because he's not supposed to. In fact, sources close to the candidate say privately that he knows exactly how he'll fill the budget hole, but he has made and oath not to tell. So, in that respect, Rubio is doing the honorable thing by allowing himself to look foolish in this way.

The truth is that Rubio plans to pay for the cuts with magic, an ancient and dark sort of magic used by conservatives throughout the ages to perform otherwise impossible feats such as dissolving the Berlin Wall and pretending not to look down on minorities. And as everybody knows, you aren't supposed to divulge magical secrets. For that sort of infraction, Rubio would surely be kicked out of The Guild.

Critics dismiss Rubio's "plan" just because he refuses to back it up with details and because I out sarcastic quotes around it just now. They argue that he's just barfing up recycled talking points from the age of parachute pants. But they have no idea.

People talk about him like he's an idiot when, in reality, he is the furthest thing from it. He's educated himself on the leading edge of political thought using some of the finest blog posts and Conservapedia entries available. He's done his research, too, bringing in experts from all over to sit down with him and eventually agree with the conclusion he made years ago. For the past several months, Rubio has been consulting with the ghost of noted economist Doug Henning, whose seminal text on the need for a Laissez-faire approach to Wall Street regulation "Magic is illusion, and illusion is magic!" deeply affected Rubio's thinking on these matters.

Henning appeared at a presser on Tuesday, dressed in his trademark spandex unitard covered in rainbows and unicorns, and defended Rubio's non-answer on the tax cuts issue.

"People say we shouldn't bankrupt the country to subsidize a free ride for the wealthiest people, but ... but rich people are the source of jobs," said Henning with his eyes wet and bolbus, red foam balls appearing between his splayed fingers. "Jobs pop up everywhere like dandilions when very rich people are fat and happy. It's a macroeconomic process full of wonder and amazement!" Then he pulled a coin from behind a reporter's ear and declared "... is this your job?"

As for how he'll actually pay for the tax cuts, no one on his staff will provide any verifiable details, though sources close to the candidate's undocumented nanny

say it has something to do with a voodoo ceremony involving chicken bones and a life-sized cardboard cutout of former President Ronald Reagan. Chances are good that there will probably be some kind of ritualistic sex, but our source wishes reassure everyone that it will more than likely be of the heterosexual variety. So, it's OK.

"These people don't seem to understand trickle down economics," said Rubio. "Anyone who's attended a party at R. Kelly's house knows what I'm talking about. Trickle down is the best. Some people say it's weird. Even my wife feels that way, which is heartbreaking to be sure. That's why I have to leave the house at odd hours to get trickled on."