Glenn Beck wants to start his own university. Well, good on him. It's high time somebody stood up to all those mainstream colleges for trafficking in historical records and facts, which we all know carry a very heavy liberal bias. Now is the time for Beck to turn the tables and present some facts of his own, and if they aren't available (hint: they aren't) he can just make them up. The best part is that nobody will complain. They people who are predisposed to apply to Glenn Beck U, well, they sort of expect him to do that. If he didn't, then what's the point, right? Exactly. Give yourself fifty points. You just passed your first quiz and GBU.

Beck's aim is to create an institution with the highest intellectual standards, a place so infused with conservative smarts that it has those smarts coming right out of its ass. That might explain the fountain Beck plans to install in the central courtyard portraying him as a Greek philosopher with a stream of very intelligent bilge water sprouting from his bronze backside.

Only with such a commitment to quality and reputation for excellence can GBU attract the best and brightest the extreme right has to offer (who didn't happen to gain acceptance at a legitimate, accredited school). With any luck, a place like this just might produce the next Sarah Palin. That's right. Another one.

But as a brand-spanking new university, Glenn Beck U is going to need some help building up that cache and institutional culture that exist in abundance at more established schools like Harvard and The Hellen P. Willis Cosmetology Academy. First off, they're going to need a fight song. Strike that. First they need a mascot. Even if they never manage to assemble an athletic program of any kind (other than competitive patriotism which apparently is as much a real sport as Glenn Beck University is a real college) coming up with the right mascot or team name is key.

They could call themselves the Patriots or the Minute Men but that would become confusing with other pro and college teams with the same names. As a matter of fact, due to the staggering proliferation of higher-education brands in the last half century, nearly every combination of letters under 15 characters has already been taken. So, it comes down to "the GBU Semi-literates" or "the Fightin' Xenophobes." Your choice, Glenn. The Xenophobes would probably look better on sweatshirts, though.

Next you'll need a fight song, something hummable that the student body can really get behind. Here's a first stab at it:

Threats! Threats are everywhere!
Even though the press doesn't seem to care.

But here at GBU, we say no!
To all the evil stuff that we don't want to know!

We came here to learn and conceive-
To confirm all the stuff that we already believe!

The M-S-M says that we're all wrong-
Just because we make it up / as we go along!

And here're some buzzwords for gramps:
Acorn, Obama and FEMA death camps!

Hail, Hail to good ol' GBU!
It's dumb enough for me-
and smug enough for you!

The rest writes itself, and I have no time to trifle with details. I'm a consultant, after all. Glenn, if you're reading this (who am I kidding? Of course you are. Word has it that you Google yourself ten times a day- but maybe that's just a euphemism for something you probably shouldn't be doing at work) just to let you know that a second verse will cost you another fifty grand.

After that, GBU is going to need a slick admissions recruitment video. Normally this sort of thing would feature romantic shots of the campus and graduates talking about how much their degree helped them in their careers and in life. Without access to those things, Beck and his people will have to make do with interview clips from incoming students along the lines of "why did you choose GBU?" I'm sure they'll get loads of great responses:

"There are so many great degree programs here. I can't decide between Advanced Paranoia, Glenn Studies or Character Assassination."

"Other universities put chemicals in the water supply to aid in liberal indoctrination. Me, I chose Glenn Beck University so I could be indoctrinated on my own terms."

"I'm here because Oral Roberts University is just too integrated for my tastes."

Lots of luck, Glenn. Just don't expect those credits to transfer to another school.