HE-MAN WOMAN HATERS CLUB SUED FOR DEFAMATION, LOSES FEDERAL FUNDING

Littletown, New York- A federal judge today ruled in favor of Darla Hood and her co-plaintiffs in their defamation suit against Alfalfa Switzer and other members of the He-Man Woman Haters Club. The complaint alleges that Mr. Switzer, et al, defamed Ms. Hood, et al, and refused them entry to the official clubhouse of the He-Man Woman Haters Club.

According to the ruling, the boys will be legally obliged to open the club to females within two weeks and pay punitive damages in the amount of five marbles.

The judge cited portions of federal law that prohibit federal funding of organizations that discriminate based on race, gender or sexual orientation. Few in the He-Man Woman Haters Club knew the group relied on the funding. Fewer still understood what "sexual" was or how one could orient it. Wheezer and Scotty might have known something, but they weren't talking.

From the moment the judge issued the verdict, a split emerged inside the He-Man Woman Haters Club. Some felt the club should go along with the court order while others argued for defying it as long as they could.

Alfalfa has said for the record that he will gladly welcome the ladies to the club. He even suggested that Darla might pick out new curtains for the clubhouse.

Club President Spanky McFarland was furious. "What kinda woman haters club would it be if there were girls there? I mean, really!"

The club's problems began long before the girls filed the lawsuit. Some of the club's members lost their woman-hating resolve fairly quickly.

"Everything was going okey-dokey until Alfalfa got sweet on Darla," recalled McFarland.

The courtship between Mr. Switzer and Ms. Hood blossomed quite quickly. Before long the pair were talking walks and boat rides together. When Alfalfa sang his song of love for Darla, Spanky decided to call an emergency meeting of the club, asking Switzer to either dump Darla or leave the club. Alfalfa choosing to remain in the club may have been the incident that triggered the lawsuit.

According to sources at the school both sets of children attend, the girls were inspired to file the suit by their teacher.

"Mrs. Crabtree put 'em up to it. I just know it." shouted McFarland. "I wish someone would go ahead and marry her so she has to quit!"

However, Darla explained that the lawsuit had nothing to do with her teacher, her failed romance with Alfalfa, or gaining access to the clubhouse.

"Honestly, I don't want to join their stupid little club, anyway," said Darla.

The other girls seemed to feel the same. Even their dog Petey [who, through the course of the trial we learned was actually a female] has indicated a distaste for the place, often relieving herself on the structure.

Once the police tape was broken this morning, Spanky expected the club's enrollment to quickly return to its pre-lawsuit level. But at press time, it remains empty except for the club's president sulking with his gavel.

The financial problems for the He-Man Woman Haters Club go well beyond the five marbles they have to pay. Over the course of the dispute, the boys have racked up an enormous debt [in excess of US $25] purchasing legal services. The girls' expenses were covered by the Littletown chapter of the ACLU.

What lies in the future for Alfalfa and Darla is unclear. Littletown court records indicate that a restraining order is currently in effect against Alfalfa, and Darla has made no indication that she will lift the order any time soon.

Back at the girls' headquarters, their victory celebration fell flat.

"I'm glad we won and all, but I feel kinda bad," said Darla. "How can we help the boys pay for their legal bills?"

Mop Top Mary Ann Jackson sprang to her feet. "I know!" she shouted. "We'll put on a show!"

[Iris in. Music out.]

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