WASHINGTON, D.C.- Under intense pressure from other nations to become more involved in the spiraling morass in the Middle East, President George W. Bush proposed an impromptu peace plan over the weekend, one that borrows heavily from American experiences of the mid-nineteenth century. Given that Israel would probably never give up the lands it acquired in 1967's quasi-legal "annexation" of the West Bank and Gaza Strip, Bush steered clear of the subject in his plan. Instead, he asks that all Palestinian citizens living in Israel-controlled areas relocate to small pockets of land in the least desirable parts of Israel, places where they would be able to hunt and fish in peace.

Because these lands will be reserved for Palestinians, some people will naturally want to refer to them as "reservations" with all the negative connotations associated with the word. Bush says that he prefers to call them "Palestinian Homeland-lets," miniature versions of the homeland Palestinians have been complaining about not having since Israel's founding after the Second World War.

The proposal comes after weeks of unsuccessful diplomacy between Israel and the US. Last week Bush requested that Israel pull out of occupied areas "without delay." In their effort to comply with their ally, Israel promised to withdraw from the West Bank "as soon as possible." Israel's definition of the term is still a matter of debate. Apparently they took the phrase "as soon as possible" to mean "once every Palestinian male under 50 is detained and every Palestinian home has been flattened by tanks."

Reporters from the Washington Post were the first to notice that Bush's proposal bears more than a casual resemblance to The Indian Removal Act of 1830. In fact, after some basic checking, the vague similarities dissolve into outright plagiarism. Apparently White House staffers [or even Bush himself] scanned the original 1830 law into a word processor and performed rough search/replace operations on the text, changing "Indians" to "Palestinians," "Reservation" to "homeland," and "Trail of tears" to "big fun moving day."

Unable to leave the homeland-lets in the plan, Palestinians would be just as jobless and desperately poor as they have been since the Intifada began and Israel shut down its borders. The difference here is that one the homeland-lets, Palestinians will have ready access to grain alcohol, Nyquil and other substitute intoxicants.

Reception of Bush's plan has so far been mixed. However, Las Vegas entrepreneurs like Steve Wynn and Donald Trump have expressed unqualified enthusiasm for the plan, especially its provision for Palestinian casinos.

"They say that to make the world better, you have to make peace profitable," said Wynn. "If that means installing a highly-profitable fifty-story hotel and Casino in downtown Ramallah, I'm willing to do my small part to bring these two peoples together."

Some argue that gambling is the last thing the West Bank needs right now. Forget the fact that betting, drinking, and about 90% of everything else that goes on in a casino runs counter to Muslim law, the severely war-ravaged West Bank does not make an attractive destination for the lucrative tourist market.

Trump begs to differ, however. "Hello! Have you ever been to Gary, Indiana? We've got a gaming boat out there that absolutely prints money for us. Build a casino in the center of the freakin' earth and blue-haired ladies will come from nowhere to lose their nickels and quarters. Those same ladies, demographically speaking, have a connection with the state of Israel and would gladly travel to the Holy Land to stuff their hard-earned retirement Sheckels into our slots. So, this could be a freakin' marketing bonanza."

Although members of Wynn's staff have denied the rumors, many believe that plans for a Palestinian casino are already underway.

If the plans come together in time, the casino will feature several custom-built slot machines. One of these, known as Crazy Habib, offers gamblers an up-close look at the life of a suicide bomber. If a player gets three 7's in a row, Habib's dilapidated microbus rolls down a small track exploding its million sheckle jackpot all over the winner.

According to the manufacturer, it would be suicide, not to give Crazy Habib a try.