COOPERSTOWN, NY- First Jose Conseco threatens to expose steroid use among big league ball players in an as yet unwritten tell-all. Then in a story for Sports Illustrated former MVP Ken Caminiti admitted to using the drug himself back in 1996. In an effort to clear up the issue once and for all, baseball commissioner Bud Selig held a press conference on Wednesday to vehemently deny the rumors: There is absolutely no steroid use among the executive and front office staff at MLB headquarters.

The cluster of steroid stories has brought the problem of performance enhancing drugs to center stage at a time when the league is busy wrestling with another costly labor dispute. At the press conference Selig's frustration with the current situation got the better of him. "When the media jumps to conclusions like this it makes me so maaaaaaad. Ack. Dammit! Arrgh yarrrrrr... yar. Um. I'm sorry, everybody. What was the question?"

The pressure on MLB staff to outperform front office personnel from other professional sports leagues has exploded over the past few years. Public relations and human resources representatives from FIFA and the NHL have been doing incredible things recently, raising the bar even higher.

"You can't tell me that Gary Bettman [NHL commissioner] isn't on the juice," said Selig. "In the last 12 months, he's raised the profile of the sport, traveled their cup thingy around to generate playoff enthusiasm, and reduced their overhead costs by about 12% over last year. How am I supposed to compete with that if I'm clean?"

Later in the press conference, a reporter asked Selig if the current controversy hurt the league's efforts to streamline the number of teams.

Without warning, Selig snapped. "I'm going to contract this league like a SONOFABITCH!! YEAH!! Come on over here and I'll crack your skull between my thighs like a FUCKING WALNUT! I AM QUADZILLA!!"

Just then the commissioner passed out behind the podium, exposing his freakishly large quadriceps.

In search of a quote to anchor the story, reporters sought a reaction from the sports world's elder statesman Frank Deford, but he was too busy masturbating to his own press photo to comment.

Baseball pariah Jim Gray was available, however, and sympathized with the doped-up baseball executives. "So what if MLB staff members do steroids now and then to keep up with their competition? The only problem is dragging the whole thing out into the public and making them look bad. Why destroy a kid's hero like that?"

"It's kind of like the whole priest pedophilia thing, you know?" said Sandy Alderson, MLB Executive VP of baseball operations. "We all had an idea that it was going on, but we were happy not being sure. I just wish we could all go back to not being sure."