WASHINGTON, D.C.- On Friday President George W. Bush announced his plans to promote the position of Director of Homeland Security to a cabinet level post, giving Tom Ridge an opportunity to more effectively take the fall for the next terrorist attack.

"Our investigations into what went wrong prior to September 11th have revealed an intelligence community filled with miscommunication and confusion," said Bush. "The FBI took some of the blame, the CIA took another part. Hell, some of it even fell on me for some reason. It's clear now that what we need is a single person to take all of the blame for not preventing the next terror attack."

Not surprisingly, the organizational flowchart for the Homeland Security Office puts itself just above the FBI and CIA. While the Office will have no information gathering capability itself, Ridge and Bush expect the other agencies to hand over any and all information. The chart is very clear about this.

The chain of command works the same way we've come to expect. Just like when a shooting occurs at a shopping mall: the state police report to the local police who report to the part-time mall security cops.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Attorney General John Ashcroft have been saying for months that a second major terrorist attack on American soil is not a matter if "if" but "when." American intelligence officials have all but given up on the notion of actually preventing such attacks. However, when the next tragic event does occur, thanks to Bush's plan the federal government will be prepared with a single official to absorb the country's anger and disappointment.

Officials from the CIA and FBI have been called before congress during recent weeks to answer for the failings of their respective agencies respective to September 11th. Not only is this method is highly inefficient, it also takes valuable time away from agency personnel who could be out doing the people's work like framing civil rights leaders and setting fire to cult compounds.

"After talking with representatives from our various disconnected intelligence agencies, it became pretty clear that getting them to share information was going to be really hard. It would be impossible for me to get that accomplished in a single five hour work day. Rather than being a clearing house for homeland security information, Tom will be more of a clearing house for blame."

In a memo to Congress, Bush outlined Ridge's new responsibilities: appearing before the House Intelligence Committee to receive occasional beatings; attending cabinet meetings in a coffee and water fetching capacity; and catching shoplifters at the White House gift shop.

In spite of the obvious challenges of his newly elevated job, Ridge remains enthusiastic. "Sure, it's a sucker's job, but they got me this kick-ass Jeep with flashing yellow lights on top and a box full of shirts with 'SECURITY' on the back. How cool is that? Of course, there's no budget for an actual staff, but at least I have the shirts just in case."

Publishers of the Guinness Book of Worst Career Moves recently interviewed Ridge for their 2003 edition. They were very curious about Ridge's decision to swap his post as popular governor of Pennsylvania with that of rent-a-cop and national whipping boy.

"I know this is a no-win position," he told them. "But I can't exactly go back to Harrisburg and beg for my old job back. Plus, it beats the Hell out of flipping burgers."