WASHINGTON, D.C.- In response to rising concerns, Federal Trade Commission officials unveiled a new comprehensive plan to combat the increasing incidents of child abduction and identity theft via the Internet. They knew from the start that such a plan would have to include buy-in from industry and consumer groups, maintain precious civil liberties, and yet be tough enough to stem the disturbing tide of cyber crime in America.

"After spending the last two years studying cyber security, the biggest thing we've learned is that there's way too much to learn," said FTC chairman Timothy J. Muris. "We figured it would be more effective, and a hell of a lot cheaper, to leave security and privacy responsibilities up to individual Americans. We're going to...um...empower them with this here mascot, Dewey the e-Turtle."

The task of getting the tech industry to clean up its software has proven impossible, or at least politically improbable. "We're kinda scared of asking anything from Microsoft right now," said Muris. "What with the whole antitrust thing and all, they're not in the habit of returning our phone calls."

Muris added that the idea of asking parents to talk to their children about the hazards extant on the Internet or, as old fashioned as it sounds, supervise them was similarly out of the question.

Federal officials say they chose the turtle as their symbol because it represents the slow but steady progress the government has made regarding cyber security.

"The turtle won the race with the hare because he didn't make a big deal about his progress. Indeed, for a long time the turtle just curled up inside his shell and ignored it altogether. But our point is that in the end the turtle won the race and that means something- exactly what we're not sure yet."

Asked whether Dewey's role was to be one of child protector or consumer watchdog, Muris replied "Sure."

"This brightly colored turtle totally reminds me to be careful with my personal information on the Internet," said Michelle Fields of 2114 Crab Apple Lane. "I feel safer already."

Mable Flannegan, aka leatherbitch17896@aol.com, also took a shine to the new character. "He's cheerful and he seems to know quite a bit about computers. I'm a little confused by the web page, though. Where do I enter my credit card number?"

The idea for the cuddly creature came from a teaching tool used to train mid-level federal employees: Oascar the Ostrich. "Remember, when your job requires you to address an issue you don't understand, just do what I do," says Oscar. "No one can tell that you're in over your head if you've got it buried in the sand."

Muris says that Dewey is committed to educate children and consumers or, failing that, scare the crap out of them.

Muris proudly loaded up the site to show off the mascot's new web-based digs. "Dewey keeps himself safe with his shell...on his back...Yeah, I only noticed just now that you can't actually see his shell. Oh, well. He's a turtle, dammit. The shell is implied."

Critics of the program remain unimpressed with the e-turtle. "The way he stands straight up exposing his soft belly, that's the least safe or turtle-like thing to do," said herpetologist Richard Hurtz. "It looks oddly sexual, too, thrusting his yellow groin at us like that. Are we supposed to be showing this character to kids?"

On one of the more interactive portions of the site, users can click on his picture and Dewey will spout a random safety slogan, much like a pull-string toy.

• "Always read a website's privacy policy before entering your credit card number. If the word privacy is in quotes, that's not necessarily a good sign."
• "Don't give out personal information on the web unless it's someone you trust. Click on the 'sponsors' link for a list of trustworthy sites."
• "Whenever you give out your e-mail address on the web, bad people could intercept it and come to your house and kill your parents."
• "I'm going to put my evil in you... just kidding."
• "It's always safer to us an alias on the Inter-web. Besides, pretending to be a girl is extra fun."
• "No, really, I am going to put my evil in you. I ran your IP address through a special database and got a map to your house. Sleep tight."

FTC officials later admitted that the site had recently been cracked and was undergoing a security overhaul. Glitches such as these are to be expected.