WASHINGTON, D.C.- When Iraq agreed to weapons inspections last week, many thought the crisis had been defused. Not so. Afterward, American President George W. Bush said that the situation had not changed substantially and that military action might be "unavoidable." Even if Hussein stepped down tomorrow, it might not make any difference. If Hussein abdicated the Iraqi Presidency to the CEO of General Electric, handed over all chemical, biological, and proto-nuclear weapons to the United Nations, armed his military with bubble mowers, and opened a Virgin Megastore in downtown Baghdad, sources say The United States would still invade.

In spite of recent claims to the contrary, Bush says that he remains open minded on the issue. "I want to sit down with opposition leaders, listen to their concerns, and then authorize a furious, engorged, sloppy-seconds, high-fives-in-the-middle military offensive on Iraq, anyway."

The President can't seem to hide his excitement about a possible military conflict with Iraq. At a recent function honoring America's war widows, Bush sported a visible erection when his speech turned to the subject of the Middle East.

"Believe me when I say this. With or without the help of other nations, with or without UN approval, we will penetrate Iraq's borders. With overwhelming force, we will pound Iraq over and over again without ceasing. And, once its leaders concede defeat, we will seed Iraq with American-style democracy."

Aides say the podium was scrubbed down thoroughly after the event with a special cleanser/biocide not used since the Clinton administration.

There may be a problem with this plan, however. After nearly a dozen years of harsh economic sanctions, there is not much left of the once-oil-rich nation to destroy. Officials in the previous Bush administration talked of bombing Iraq "back into the Stone Age," but given that most of the region is rubble already, the only way to go would be to a time of Precambrian slime and single-celled organisms. White House representatives now speak more accurately of bombing Iraq "back to the Proterozoic Era."

Some international observers worry that the United States is not as committed to nation building in Iraq as they have claimed. The power vacuum left behind after Hussein's departure could destabilize the entire region. "Over the past decade or so, this has become the American modus operandi," said UN Secretary General Kofi Annan. "They roll in, do their thing, claim victory, and then roll over and fall asleep. It is disgraceful."

Monday marks the beginning of what will certainly be a very heated Congressional debate over the wording of a UN Security Council resolution on Iraq. Administration officials have urged Congress to cease debate and pass a sweeping bill authorizing war with Iraq very soon, before the President's war boner becomes a war priapism.

Critics of the nascent war with Iraq openly wonder why, with so many boogymen on the loose at the moment, why Saddam Hussein? Why Now?

"The answer is simple: We know where Hussein is," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Perhaps if Hussein could produce Bin Laden for us, then we might consider not killing him until the 2004 election cycle."

On a related note, last evening when President misplaced his keys in a Federal parking lot, aides looked for them almost a hundred yards away from where Bush said he might have lost them because, as he said, the lights were better there.

If it turns out that a war with Iraq does not work out, for whatever reason, sources say that the White House has contingency plans in place. Top White House aides have been working feverishly on a list of alternate countries for the U.S. military to invade if necessary. So far the roster consists mostly of "buzzkill" nations that opposed America's proposed war with Iraq.

Countries slated for invasion should be notified via fax by next Tuesday.