NASA REPORT: GIANT SPACE BABY SWATTING OBJECTS FROM SKY

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA- As NASA officials struggle to discover what caused Saturday's tragic breakup of the Space Shuttle Columbia, pundits and 24-hour news hounds have already formed their theories. Terrorism, the first thought on the minds of many watching the accident unfold, turns out to be highly unlikely. All fingers currently point to a giant space baby throwing another tantrum, swatting objects from the sky.

Friends and associates say the child star of Stanley Kubrick's groundbreaking scifi epic 2001: A Space Odyssey has grown increasingly bitter over the years. Other than a guest shot on the 1984 sequel, the 12 trillion ton space baby has been unable to find work. Rumor has it that he is now semi-homeless, living off residual checks and Boo-Berry cereal. In recent weeks witnesses have reported seeing the celestial infant floating above various LA-area dives looking for trouble.

If the enormous child is found to be responsible for the incident, it will certainly not be the first time he has let his temper get the better of him. He allegedly knocked Galaxy5 out of orbit in 1995, furious over the cancellation of Star Trek: Next Generation. Only last month, he appeared to have swatted down PrimeStar's primary sattelite for reasons still unknown.

Feds Suspend NASA's Flight Schedule, Budget

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Immediately following the mishap, NASA executives took to the airwaves complaining that if Congress had not slashed their budget this never would have happened. This, just as Congress begins to deliberate what will surely be one of the bloodiest budget battles in recent memory.

"If you paid us more, we'd do gooder," explained aerospace engineer Heywood Yafukov. "People need to understand that all of us could be making twice as much in the private sector. Being part fo a team responsible for tossing people into outer space and then letting them burn up on reentry, that looks great on a resume."

Congress has been cutting NASA's operating budget for decades, asking the agency to do more with less. Recently, however, the call has been for NASA to run fewer missions, safer missions.

According to Yafukov, the program needs lots of launches to keep the public interested. The shuttle would not have broken up on reentry, he argues, if only the public had believed more in the wonder of tedious, repetitive low earth orbit exploration.

Indeed, when the Columbia exploded, the reaction of most Americans was "I didn't even know it was up there." Interestingly, this was the same reaction given by NASA chief Sean O'Keefe.

In a letter to Diff'rent Strokes star Todd Bridges, he lamented that he wishes that Kubrick had never coaxed him into earth orbit more than thirty years ago. Now, stuck and unable find acceptance or gainful employment, it appears the transcendental tyke has finally lost it.

Although 2001 author Arthur C. Clarke legally adopted the child in the early 1970's, the two have spent very little time together. Clarke cites the practical problems with visiting earth orbit, but Space Baby doesn't buy the excuse.

For his part, Clarke and several other authors issued a joint statement after the incident, apologizing for romanticizing outer space and luring so many people do their deaths.

Child Psychologist Dr. Linda Phelps, known for her work rehabilitating most of the Facts of Life cast, believes Space Baby is in need of serious counseling.

Two problems exist, however: Mental health issues are not covered by Screen Actors Guild healthcare plan, and given the tenuous status of NASA's budget, it may be years before he gets another visitor.